Saturday, January 20, 2018

I nearly passed out

guarding your health;

i nearly passedout;

dizzy spells;

maybe i waited yo long to eat; or didnt drink enough water;;; or mmaybe something is wrong.

sittibng to long;; computer use;;

i got up scared; feeling my energy sapping from me;

Crystal ; dont;; I heard myself saying;;

dont pass out;;; be strong;;
i started prayer to God to strengthen me and it helped;;

i thought water;;

i drank a little; food; i ate a sandwich i could barely eat but knew i wanted to be awake; alive and well;

i needed more water;

i started looking for the source

my sisters kids run downstairs;;

i try to normalize myselg;

my sister folloews;; hunching to hold my self up after kneeling before they arrived;;

i brace myself against the wall;;

screaming on my spirit;; i want to be ok;

my symptoms oddly similar to either low bloodpressure or sugar;

i pray in my spirit;; i want to live;;

please;; right me;; i try to focus;; the children;; ok;; they got to go back up so i find a bottle of water 1/8 full ;; i think thank God;; i drink a little;; im in the bathroom having followed the children;

i turn the faucet on and refill the bottle before i look at my niece grabbing for something;; gesturing that she wants lip gloss;

i laugh i lean over; grateful i haven't passed out;; i grab the shea butter and rub it on her mouth;; there ;; lip gloss;; on her face;; and on her back;;

i see her reach for my brush;; in fact as i write this i realize she still has my pik comb;

i brush her hair and go upstairs;

to my room;; awreck that i had begun finally reorganizing;; the pile of large trash bags i left at the door from my cleaning effforts;

i look at the bed; piled high with the rest of the organizing process;; i fall to lay on the bags;; its just paper i think;; i look up and see my mother water pitcher i found two night ago and had brought up the night before ;; full of water;

thats right;; i came to the room knowing i had some half empty water bottles;

the pitcher!!

i see a cup i left on the shelf ;; conviently in reach from my post laying ontop of the bags of recyclable trash;

i see myself in the large mirror;; i start praying that no force has a right over me but God;; I rebuke whatever this grasp on me;;

i started to feel better;; i reflected on this nightmare i had the night before and how i called for help;; so i thought;;

Crystal-- youre an otherwise health individual;;; pray;;

I prayed my life into Gods hands;; drinking water;; hoping that this dizzying spell threatening to pull me from consciousness;;

the water helped; mainly when i threw a cup ful on my face;; i started messaging my face and temple;

finding the tensions knots;; conviently i had seen a gel face serum i bought from forever21;; i scan the ingredients;; castor oil; allatonion; anise;; i pour it;; it says it cools your skin; and it felt so good;; as i rubbed my face and the rest of my body;;; i felt better;;


my nephew called from the other side of my door;; half knocked down from the summer;; so i guess if i passed out;; they wuldnt have had a hard time getting to me sin e i normally like to keep my room door locked;;;

i breathe;;

my nephew peeks in;;
what are you doing?? he ask;;

Aunty is taking a break;

him;; a break;;


she neds to sit down and drink water;;

why not on your bed??

me; no room;; and aunty is glad its comfortable right here to drink this water;

i look at the time;;

i have work;

ok;; gotta go;; he wants to stay with me in my room;

i start handing him my work items to help me downstairs to get ready;;


i get downstairs having taken the pitcher and cup with me;;

he asks for water;; i give it to him;

he points to his stomach;;

aunty you have to press here like this;

he does an acupressure point below his ribs at his diaphragm;

i point to my womb and do it since it was the first place after rubbing my face with a gel that i put it on;; reflecting;; like at the ob'gyn when your pregnant;

my nephew kisses my stomach and says ok better;

i wonder what the hell is happeneing;

i send him upstairs to get ready for work;; promising snacks before church when i see him;

i wrote this;

i gotta watch my health;; i guesss im due for the doctors and might want to use my old home nurse items on my self to check my sugar and prsseure as a reference;;

that was scary



I met you in 2006. no wait;; it was the fall;; September of 2005-- We left in 2007

I found you again 2016. the end of 2017 I knew you wanted this to be over again.

I guess 2018 could be like 2008;

Id rather it not; You moving on and me thinking you'll be mine again.

or maybe we'll take briefly 2-5 years twice and then was 2020-23 we can try one last time again??

Ok. come on now .

I know I cant account for such time..

I mean lets see 29, 30,31?? -33/34?? hmmm.

Id rather have started a family.

In fact I ythink I heard you say you would too??

You said you'd have an amazing wife;

You stated plainly;; It wont be you.

Yeah;; Yeah;; I get the way.

I wonder whats she's like;

Hmm/?? I still remember what you said about our babies.

I wonder if you saw the ones I saw??

I know; i know;; its not you;;

it definitely wasng my ex??

Lol i had to squint my eyes trying to imagine that because my genes would have to be super to pull the entire person and physicalization of the child as my own plus enhanced

I thought it was yours;; Cause i saw a boy;

hey''' its my vision i can mention what i thought i imaged.

OOOOOh this cute little boy;; younger than his sister;
I wonder if I'll adopt any??

I definitely want to have my own;;


Science project??

Or maybe an opportunity to beat the Devil;

I had a vision he wanted to take me out durimg labor;

Well;; Idk;; sometimes i feel like i had a lot;; some i feel like;;


times is still going and im not supposed to rely on these visions;; i mean it could just be my imagination;;

hmm;; haven't gotten any answers from God;;
but i dont think ive really been asking the right questions.
I found some prayers i told myself id start documenting on my spare waitressing pad;

Absolutley embarrassed coming back to some of my request;

man;; even tried to trade you out for this one dude i dated for 1 month after just accepting you've said no to me for the last 4 months.. That was in the summer;;

you remember;;

yeah;; fucking stupid ass rfequests;; i wrote one the day you came back when you overheard it was ending;


I used a computer reference;;

I was like'' This motherfucker!! i started to get over him;; just modified my loyalty since the new guy is actually here;; being a romantic date;;

and then he ;; he isn't the one for sure!!! but then you touched me and flashed bios back to your ownership;



Then you left;; with your name retched with the prayer notes to God showing up;; dated and signed;

Like: God I dont know what im asking for;

as i rip up any evidence of thinking summer fling could replace you;

and damn it it;; how can i be sure it you;; youre offline again saying;

Go away leave me be;

Fine:: but what do you expect me to go do??

Not rush into another relationship;


go focus on my career???

who am i building this for???


Ok i had that vision;

Sexy me in my Manhattan Penthouse; alone!!!

with;; hoipefully no addictions? Friends?
They have families and lives;;


I need love that also accepts my private time;;;i just want;

shit;; not the statistically evidence;;

cause this family business is...

look at the historical data

this can go mafia;; ex wives and mistresses real quick;

Me I'm a woman;; if im not the jilted;;

whats the expectation????

I could only love someone like you?? so your bestfriend? no;; what im not going to go looking??

No; I dont want that:: im just giving you a visual description of the statistical historical data and inputting;; us;; as the various parties;;

ugh you want a girl you can snort coke off her chest;

yeah;; except if i marry you like that;; that means we both have an addiction and what abou the kids;

I saw myself die if i got involved wigh you with herion;

you were holding my body in the tub; crying;

oh and what if you beat me??

oh i hope i dont start the cycle by hitting you;;

oh;; i hope you just dont start because im too nice;

well not as likely;;

i start off pushing back because i dont like or value disrespect;

ugh-- all these scenarios are depressing;

and i hate to say but trying to make this a cookie cutter scenario sounds boring..

There is a way;; its just going to be our way.

I really wish i could pray with you;; face to face;;
that way i could hear you hopes and fear just like you are hearing mines and it can be before God.


lets talk about them;;

lol;; lets not;

Be ye sober minded;;

but alcohol and drugs seem like the adult motto in all the historical evidence;

i tried to justify pot;; but i might as well justify smoking opium;

i mean its natural;

what the fuck did i start on??

Yeah the future;;

we are all creating it;

with various hopes; archetypes; dreams; and invisionments;

Were your parents happy?

My parental situation was different;

My mom is an African Bad Ass;

so unless im set on accepting im doing my life without a husband;; its hard to create my plan just being like her;

thats all i know and the statistics;

i know first break all addictions;

I got a peculiar one that doesn't involve drugs its horoscopes and relationships;

its a form of idol worship;;

just like drugs;; in that you use it to make you happy or;;; fix your future;

man;; but i know the answer to this dilemma involves love;; because i can kick drugs and alcohol;;i did it through college before my ex and i settled into;; well he like to drink;; id prefer to smoke between the too considering my past relationship;'

i barely bartend although i can;; moral reasons really;

but;; damn;;;; you think my scenario would have been different if i had leaned on God while finding my hope for love??

yeah;; it might have been pure enough to make me marry my unbelieving ex in NY;

im kinda glad that didnt work out;; he really didnt want to believe in God and that hurt becauser i had a lot of trials where i felt rescued by the one he didnt believe had power;;;;

ooh i had this vision once after a college party i went with him after i graduated;;

it was like we were in heaven;; and were angels and there was a war;;

and i was an angel that had defunct because i wanted to have children;; so i fell away but when the war started;; its like;; me and the angel i had married had rejoined ranks and i was; pierced in my womb; with the baby i was carrying; and the angel Micheal;; he came cause i was actually fighting the Devil;; >>>>>>like id be taken out by another regular angel;; lol;;

it was a vision;; i knew i was present;; but;; what happened;; well i thought my ex was micheal cause i actually physically started falling and he caught me;

but then this dude switched up on me;

there was this one time i hit a jay after i started getting comfortable re-exploring marijuana;;

where i thought this dude was an agent of the debil;;; only because a shadow fell over him and i saw him in a suit with a red light beg=hind him laughing;; with a fullfigured female behind him; a year later i discovered that female did exist it was the ex he never told me about that he was cheating with;;

sometimes i wonder because of her carribean decent some voodoo had been created;; cause the cirmstnaces involving our discoverey but non communication surfaced as;


why do chicks always try to use their breast to attract men??

I mean;; I have them but i figure ;;; you know in the modeling agency they have to be proportionate in a different way;; like small but round voluminous;

which is different than what mainstream media projects or walking down the street;

Whatever; the French had an ideal;; its got fit in this cup;; and

any condolences because i dont want saggy titties to turn anyone on;;

lets be realistic;;p

science says gravity brings it down as you hit menopause;

Im hoping to live through my senior years looking 20 something somehow;;;

im looking for that elixir;

but until then;; at least the bible says a real man loves the bosom of the wife of his youth;;

that could mean anything;;

but hey;; it lets you know that what ever was supposed to be yours is good enough;

what happened;;;??? Yeah;; no more horoscopes and obsessive relationships;

honestly i think God separated us until one;; or both of us learned how to ask him for th right type of love;

you know he one he gives to the woman and the man;

Lol;; that vision with the angels;;

what happened; i was saved;; and so was my boo thing;;; and God let us keep the kid;;; he was scared!!!!

but thats silly;; if anything;; i can use that for a great screenplay;; like the one with Ben Affleck;

its going to be tight!!!!!!!

this is why you dont drink and smoke after dancing for 2 hrs


I didnt like the negative reaction I felt in needing to address a previous circumstance.

Realistically, denying that it presents itself in me from time to time; I understand that to lessen its affect; to nullify what I no longer wish to exist in mean, means that I must confront it.

Anger, malice, disappointment, disdain, disgust;; they aren't large and all consuming natures that exist in me;

but they exist;

I'm sorry; I make no apologies as a means to smooth over your anger and disappointment0 I simply acknowledge that these feelings, this outburst may have had an affect on you. I'm more sorry to myslf, for letting it get the best of me; yet at this moment in reflection, I have see no scenario better suited than the way I handled it; I know there is a way; but;; I'm only human; I haven't yet learned ever positive metaphysical reaction to turn negative;; highlighted circumstances;; into addressed transformational situations where both benefit.

I just want to have fun, and I do; but discipline and life have taught me; that not all things that look fun are good;;

So I want to learn how to have that kind of fun;

I want to have a transformational affect when I walk into the room, not only on myself, but for others; for him; for you.

I prayed this morning;; I woke up frustrated; trying to move on; not knowing what or how to.

I have this history and yet nothing;
I know some things about about you and we share, what we shared; but I know I didnt scratch deeper than a few surfaces;

I like to think our connection was different; but doing so keeps me locked into the past;

I dont need anyone studying me; trying to figure out the paces of my heart; they are deeper and more guarded the more valuable the road that leads to my soul;

I like to think that I opened that road in trying to find a love and relationship with;; with;; the one whose inner nature spoke more volumes to me;

People said a lot of things about him to me; as Im sure they probably said a lot about me;
Most in part I think stemmed from jealousy because well if you are talking about me;; im 98.9% the one who is talking doesn't know me;; or even seat in the seat of any of my preferred audiences;

What did they tell me about him? They mocked him; they called him a loser, mentioned how people exploited his resources as he tried to gain approval, told me about the times he was beat up- the many times.

I'll admit- at first I was completely turned off- I thought; what type of affect will romantically associating myself with someone who people take advantage of as such have on me; I understood that being female;; I followed his lead; and being victimized was not part of my desired plot.

But God touched me one day;;;;;; He really did; and I dont need anyone to believe me to know when and how God has reached me because it was because of this boy the awareness of God even started;; and the boy wasn't even in the room with me that day;; and i never told him what happened until years later;; all he knows is that I pursued him as best I could without losing all of my self respect before leaving off to college.

First that day;;
God wanted me to remember how we met; through his friends that I had just begun hanging out with; the day we met;; it was weird; we just agreed we'd be together; granted we were young and under the influence;; but that night we told each other secrets about our past, birth, and upbringing;; and we shared one thing; being raised by parents who chose us.

I felt for him because our hows were different but I understood;; I always reflect how he kissed me against that tree; lol;; but i also reflect that after everything he probably doesn't remember or even care about such things;

Maybe because that night after we met I got cold feet; I didnt know him; I just commited myself; didnt I have a crush ?? Why did I agree to date someone I have no idea how we are going to merge??

so i avoided him for four months before giving some lame excuse to get out;;

God didnt even get me to think about this boy until something happened to me;;;

and in this weird place of unconsciousness; i guess like angels they reminded me of this time he accepted me and cared for me;; and how I did hurt him; so make it up?

Well we didnt even go to the same school; live in the same neighborhood;; and my circumstances have an element of instability that I wear well;;

So I started gathering information about him ;

the more I tried to understand his relationships with the people he called his associates;; the more I saw bits of his personality;

Granted; I thought he was pretty bright; open; I felt like he bounced back from negative circumstances; I knew it had to be piling up in his psyche but;;;; whenever I did see him in a group setting;; he had this cheery outlook;; and he was still open with his resources to people I considered backstabbers;;

I didnt want to be around him with them;; I knew what they said; but;; I appreciated that he could be so gracious with people who Im sure even he knew did him wrong;; I mean I heard stories of people robbing him.

So I forgot how I got his number back then;; but when I got it; I reached out to him;;I just felt prompted by something deep within me to connect with this boy and somehow even in the crazy circumstances i went through myself;;
neutralize the bad and share something with him;; granted;; we mainly shared sex;; anxd would do intervals without seing each other;

I reflect back that my long txt messages probably turned him off; me trying to explain emotions that i couldn't explain; after pretty much rejecting him previously;

I took it in my mind that he was probably using some manipulation tactic to hide his feelings or;; maybe he really didnt care and really liked that I was being; easy??

It was the second thought that made me harden my affection towards him; I'd think if he doesn't want to talk to me or be with me;; good for him;; i wont bother him;;

and id wait; and id think about him everyday; like a mild obsession because i still lived and went on adventures just like he did;; and i knew our friends were feeding us stories about each other;; although i found the stories about me were being told in an unbecoming fashion by; who knows; but I beat up one of the kids spreading rumors about me;

wer parted when he went to college; and I considered following him to a college in a town half an hour over from him; was even going to take my sister;

but I realized that wouldn't be wise;; so I prayed;; you know while chasing him before these weird scenarios happened;

and I had unofficially turned catholic;; I mean ; something happened;

when I went to college I had three options; I prayed on all of them; one school didnt even get back to me;; that was St Johns;

and I ended up in Upstate NY;
Still thinking about him; wondering if God would put us together after college;

I reached out to him freshman year; even reached out that summer when i went out California.

To me I was waiting; he told me he had a Brazilian girlfriend and that he had broken his jaw; I heard he use to talk trash about me; so i figured the jaw was karma.

when i graduated that was when i thought of him again. I had met a guy that, in many ways I was settling for because I had finally admitted my hope or obsession for this boy who never looked back for me was crippling;; but when it came time to move with him; I had to reach back out;

and its funny because; those phone calls were the first where I felt connected;; actually there was this one time he called me in my group home; that made me feel like I wasn't alone.

He told me a dream he had; told me how the Brazilian kissed some guy at a bar;;

I listened; confused: i had hoped that he would have gotten the relationship with a strong foundation that he wanted;; and then I felt guilty. Im sitting here on the phone with this guy that;; i guess without much; I love and feel guilty for because to my knowledge its not mutual and;; well there never was a courting/ dating phase; just sex with these feelings that grew everythime because I thought perhaps foolishly that God was making away for something.

I told him that i had someone and he got so mad; I didnt expect him to; when i reached out I really wanted to get to know him; I had hoped that being more mature we'd; idk; make good friends;; in many ways;; i think the acta of trying to love him made me a better person;

I learned to lean on others because they were the ones i could actually try to explain these feelings and the phenomenon to ; i mean they didnt care;; but;; it softened me;; I looked after people differently after hearing how people had done him;; and even though he seemed ok; i refused to witness these false friendship exploit; and people liked me for that, and I guess I liked myself more for that.

I dont know if the rumor that he was bipolar was true but; when i was a psych major at AU and they mentioned the disorder; i left that major because; I didnt want to believe he was confined; not only that but; he never told me;; which means he really didnt trust me;

Years passed and i struggled not even a week after hanging up on the phone with him with the boyfriend i had met in college; I wondered briefly if i should just leave NY now and go back to DC and find him; but I figured; nothing would change from before;; and i would just chase someone; and offer myself sexually hoping stupidly maybe;; that it would bypass the distrust and open up a dialogue; a relationship.

I dont regret it; I dont even regret that 5 years after being with the guy in NY i moved to a new neighborhood in Brooklyn and saw this peach motel that I had seen in a vision 9 years prior as a teen with me and him in the back loading up a car.

I had a lot of visions as a teen; i saw kids; i saw a future;; i saw this one dark period where I was afraid because something was happeneing with him mentally and i was just in the bathroom woth him wondering if it was my fault;;

the bricks were too similar to the vision so i looked him up online;; and slowly my desire to be in NY faded; I wanted to be with my family; and I wanted to be with him.

I have to monkey valentines gift that i forgot to give him; i thought we were growing, till his friend died before valentines day. he got cold and i figured it was because i was visiting DC just once a week from NY.

I didnt want to lose him;; although being back; I dont think i ever had him;;

just a few coincidences; i mean we see each other;;

but it didnt grow into the relationship or healthy marriage i hoped for.

i wonder if it could;; id withhold wondering if pouring out my feelings made him feel guilty;; first of all i dont want anyone with me out of guilt or settling;; and i didnt want anything built off of disrespect where he took me for granted and had affairs with other women because he felt they were more exciting or worth more;; cause i had those warning visions too;

I guess thats just the way it is. But i wanted to get this out of my head.

I wanted to say that I hoped for more and that some how I'll move on properly because i realize that i never really did; my ex literally listened for two years about how I was waiting for this guy still and how i felt like i was to blame for the rift and/// i chose him because i gave up; my brother died and this guy never looked back for me;; I was always instigating contact;

But;; if just having this weird sexual relationship spurned by some weird revelation and some underlying hope that deep down it meant more to him too but he refused to show it.. I do appreciate;

I'm going to miss him again;; and I hope-- because i know what killed his friend;; i hope he will be well and not fall either;

I want him to have a real relationship with someone remarkable that he just grows into the best version of hiself with;

and I- I want the same thing for myself;

I dont know how those relationshios start and progress;; but I hope we both figure it out.

and I relay do love him even though this didnt work.

Its weird because i felt like i had a friend; or at least someone who held a spot for me; I know nothing remotely suggests this;;but;; i went through a lot;; and it was him id meet up with first; and while i never told him everything;; i was always happy that i could come back to him;; and that i was alive and could share that i was alive with him;; even if i was the only one who knew i felt that way;; and probably the only one that felt that way.

I feel bad because sometimes in trying to break the wall between us and him actively pushing me away; I'd get mad; id accuse him of being a user, or just throw it in his face;;

but;; thats not fair;; i should have let him go if i felt that baggage;

its ok;; its just a reflection.

he doesn't need to understand. my feelings are my responsibility.

I know that.

Friday, January 19, 2018

found this saved as a draft

There are many ways to speak up about something.

Some things require direct statements. i hate you- love you


oh god

im feeling trapped distracted confused and mistaken

fearful unsure- concerned with my wellbeing.

show me and guide me upon the way that makes me feel relieved and self contained

i thought about it

psalms 21:8

well my writing did help me catch;;

ok;; so our ex met you in college? told you about me? you kissed some other guy- yall broke up;

i knew because he told me; we parted;;; you stalked both of us;

you look like the shorter fatter;; more indian version of me;

i dont know what happened after;;

but youre supposed to get married to another man;; but i think i saw you on the bus near wear he lived so you cheated? or are trying to because you followed me on social media when i returned; you know of me so?? then you kept leaving Baltimore to come to dc to tempt him from online;; you developed a sunday Instagram schedule because thats when i posted my sundays best

then theres bee? shes.. following me too- and i guess they shared depression and pets;

but you! you i actually read your posts;; and i at first i noticed a trend;; but i found you heart in the mess;; and you say you saw him and you loved him and he texted you back and dsaid he loved you;

he never said that to me; or the face thing or stars;
you think youre his soulmate;; well your name is the indian version of his;

i think its interesting that we are distant cousins;; we share my fathers last name;; i think youre wrong and manipulative; but here we are. i think if you loved him you wouldn't have tried to hurt him with your fiancée; see you moved on to like 5 guys from your posts; and youre actively being taken on vacations by this current one;; but your in love with the boy i know somehow. The one thing I know bout the name John, is that it also means toilet; So I smell something shitty-- and i think soulmates means more than a shared first kiss; especially since you two broke up from you kissing another boy while with him;; so;; there goes that analogy.,,,,

i hope you dont get me wrong. im not trying to judge you. i just feel disenchanted and upset by the plot you've managed to create that even leaving sais boy makes me wonder how better off he is knowing how you are doing...

but i dont think he's mines either because i have no basis like you two; but i think you have someone;; and i think your purposeful attempt to divert him from me while having someone;; and me being placed back is sabotage at best;; i dont know why he and i met again after all these days;
i mean;; i thought i knew;;
i really missed the time i came to visit from new York;; i has had to wear this gold dress from a new years Christmas party that needed a wash but i had an early call time and it was the cutest thing i could find for him that i had since making my dress the night before well;; i had an early call time;

i prayed with him; i think that was the realest i could muster when we re met;; he's set on not forgiving me;; i guess its all confusing;;

i mean i understand how it can be frustrating;;

but;; he and i tried a little despite;; and he wants me to move on- which i guess is different than what i thought he was capable because i learned from you;; since he had a girl when you two saw each other again;; he said i love you to you and called you;

i dont get calls; or love yous'';;

thats ok. but i did notate all the drama. and i want him happy;; and its not my right to determine if he ends up with you;;

but he;;; i want to make a plumbers joke about him being a good toilet;;

i guess youre a good toilet too;

i just want him healed so he can be the good guy that made so many fall in love;; but for him to be and share that with one special person;;
i want him happy; because ive heard and learned so much about how he secretly hurts and maybe he's fine now but;; i just know he's human just like me;;

and there are these small wounds from early;

kinda like my belly button.

lol. i just wanna make sure God takes care of him

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

To Prince

Yo Hommes,
Little Bro,
I figured I pen out something I didnt say before you were gone.
I guess in many ways we lived lives, miles apart.

I know you looked up to me.
I know I also did things that made you question whether I took my responsibilities seriously
When you died,
I had a lot of questions.
I thought how your birthday had just been days before
How you asked me a question about energy
I was shocked you trusted me to ask me about it
You and I tended to fight
I was older and whitewashed in your eyes
You were the little brother I had to keep an eye on.
I know theres not much I could do to prevent your loss, your death
Your leaving
I felt guilty for a while thinking you were where you were that day based off of some advise or habit
I had taught you years earlier in my past.
Life went on after you passed
And I sat on this weird crossroad between the present and the past
You asked me about energy
And its funny because its you who visits me in my warning dreams
So I guess your energy lives on; somewhere
Im ready to step up and do more
Keep your eyes open from where your at.