What's the difference??

We all have a tendency to criticize ourselves and others. It's just one of the ways we have learned to mentally process things that we will do and things that we won't. Think about it, for every action there is an opposite and you don't get anywhere by sitting on the fence. As such we have rationalized picking what we consider ideal and what we consider unworthy . Remember however my writers voice the next time you catch yourself in the act, that just because you deem something worthy or unworthy doesn't make it the truth- it makes it a choice. We all have choices,it's something we may often forget when we try to live to the standards of others rather than the standards we place for ourselves. I found myself irretrievably stuck until I read some positive inspirational words from another woman. As I was reading them, I thought to myself 'this is exactly how I speak to people when they face a setback'. So immediately my question to myself was, why wasn't I as positive and motivational when it came to myself?? A truth struck me like lightining. At some point I began to care about what others deemed right and worthy for me than what I did. In fact it had become so bad that it felt like I had let an entire counsel of people / not me / reside in my head and criticize what it was I was to do with my life. Never mind my desire for self betterment, love, and generosity- how did they figure my success. I found myself once again glued to the bed. Was this essentially the same as being possessed by demons? Idk, but it felt like it because all of my qualities and strengths no longer seemed like factors because in my head the trend of the people valued something else. And them I really thought hard. This woman speaking said she went through the same thing, that her entire life up to her mid twenties involved the care of the opinions of others and how it had made her negative and fearful. Negative and fearful/ that's exactly how I've been feeling since my arrival to NY. Often times when I'd travel back to DC, I'd feel like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then I realized, it wasn't NY, but my thought process as a result. Who did I have to please? How did I need to behave? It was only when I wasn't in work mode I'd get a clear idea and feedback on who I was. Confident, charismatic, kind, intelligent and beautiful. What was the difference? One minute I'd be thinking my life was on the line- the next this is a weekend and none of these people are going to make it for me. Fear- fear was the culprit. Which is right and which is wrong? How about the one that inspires joy, the one that pushes you to grow, the one where you can track your progress, the choice where you were connected to something higher than the group mentality Perhaps that's the key to breaking out of fear and living your life

Ok- I'm in trouble

This morning, was unlike any other. Or perhaps it was but I felt it most intensely because I longed for a resolution at it's very inception. I've been keeping to myself for the most part. A bit to much of the heavy side of life- but believe me I've given 110 to being cheerful. Which is why today was unlike the other days, but not quite. I had taken it upon myself to wake early to meet with an attorney and upon second thoughts determined any day but Monday for such matters. Again feeling the heavy side of life- I went for cheese. Question? As you read this- do you hear a British accent?? Cool- I figure it lightens the heavy . Hahahahaha I've been doing this thing where you define your projected outcomes. I wish I'd done it sooner or else I wouldn't need an attorney. And a large sum of money- please tell me that in this life I can rely on the goodness and godliness in people's hearts to lean towards charity just this once to save me. Seriously, I don't know how I got here- no worries - in such cases I highly recommend backtracking and a dictionary . Seriously So I will be doing a lot of that from preventing such a matter from happening again and kindly and formally informing friends and family that I need assistance in getting $10,000 in my gofund me by Saturday before a case on Monday or... I'm in trouble Look- I guarantee you- should I make it- you're going to really love me To us all that make mistakes - backtracking- humbling begging- and a dictionary

Love Hard

Its Monday evening and after a day of wrapping my head around my weeks responsibilities and one friend inviting themselves over and then not showing up all I can think is, LOVE HARD. Love hard because you never know who might need a little extra. Love hard because loving hard and giving your all - truly, selflessly, without expectations on the person you are loving has some transformational affects on you. Love hard because you never know if the moment you have with a person is your last. Believe me, there is one case, where I realized those words could never be more true. Let's keep this one short

Forlorn Adonis

Surging and pummeling Threatening to knock me of edge Breathing like fire, my skull splits Within it all the things imaginable Tangible gone A history of Eygpt, a past in Rome Euclides could not have pondered a more measurable journey Drawn out and sweet, and yet intrinsically short A sea born goddess like Aphrodite To love and loss , my Adonis please speak Embrace me with your mind Enrapture me with your soul Remind me of your beauty These lips enthralled Heaving in ecstasy Dripping in song Or perhaps a parable One does not know My ode to you is all that can chance A spirited wish a resolution to the past.

Mama will we get there?

Of the greatest things in life, I owe my mother. She may make me mad and annoy the hell out of me, but at some point I have to be grateful. I think it's easy to take for granted your parents, they are by far the most self sacrificing people you will encounter. Sometimes to a fault I may add. It doesn't matter what trouble you are going through. You will inevitably find, your pain is your parents pain. Sometimes I feel bad about that fact, most of my troubles are self made, and it seems almost unfair that someone else feels the need to shoulder the emotional baggage. Emotional baggage isn't fun for anybody btw.

Often I wish I could just get it all together and be perfect so that my mother would have more joys than sorrows. I've noticed that she lives vicariously through me, which can sometimes also be annoying- while nonetheless flattering. If I could I'd just snap my fingers and give her a mansion , frequent trips around the world, gold jewelry, and more of my expendable time- but it takes a little more than just snapping your fingers, and sometimes I wonder with all my troubles and all her pills will I ever make it in time to give her all that I know she deserves? I just wonder

For You One Thousand

If I could speak a thousand words I'd speak them just for you If I could love a thousand ways I'd love them all for you It doesnt matter how or when A thousand would surely do A thousand more, one thousand more I'd do them all for you

One more.... A promise, is a promise, is a promise speak one word, I promise Promise to hold you, cherish you Make right you wrongs, make good your bad But promise Promise me my soul wont die for keeping it in your hands Yes, my soul that belongs to no one but God But I promised Him, you werent bad I promised him to love you right He made me promise to return to the Promised Land I promised him I wont come back, without my other hand So a promise is a promise, I hope you understand I promised to bring my right hand back You promised we'd both return to DAD Poems by Crystal Okorie Model: Crystal Okorie Photographer: Justin Walters

So Many Different Things

I unapolegetically apologize. Its been months since Ive written here. Ive been wanting to, but most of what Ive been wanting to write has been very personal. Ive been going through a lot. Right now, I'm figuring out how to meet three times my expected financial expectations. Its a journey out here is definitely something I have to say. A lot of it boils down to you. YOU. Let me say that again, YOU. Not your friends, your peers, your family, your lover - YOU. Perfectly, imperfect little you. Let me fill you in on my summer and the series of events that have happened that lead up to me with my back against the wall and a whole lot of ouch, I told you so, but maybe it was worth it. Flaws and all, I committed to doing the right thing, no matter what, even when my ego wanted to get the best of me. I may not have gotten everything that I wanted but I definitely grew. I met a guy, during the summer, and if anyone knows me, its easy for me to admire, but hard as hell for me to fall for a guy. Not with this guy, lets call him Dre- thats what he liked to be called anyway. I didnt care for the nickname; I already knew somebofy with the nickname and honestly- with all the wonderful qualities his mother had imbdued him with, I wanted to call him by his full name. I met him; this is very private ; one of the reasons I havent been posting. I figure I should take a break and point this out. Model X Love is dedicated to US : You : ME. Its dedicated to growth, love, wisdom, happiness, success, and principle. And one principle I strongly have learned to trust and believe is that your private affairs are sacred and beautiful and grow when you direct energy into them and not focus on how other people may perceive the growth and nurturance you give your relationship. I wanted to keep these happen stances to myself, as I grew, so that there would be no unneeded exhibitionism towards the piece. Granted I'm sharing it now, and well, the guy I'm unfortunately writing about is a guy who wasnt all that I thought he was, would like to see, but; we'll get to that. I met him when I wasnt looking. A week earlier I was being berated by my co-worker KiKi 'with the big ole' bootie' ; you have to say her name like that. Why? Because its true!!!!! He had offered to be my math tutor, which is and was very important to me because I am considering my hand in some unique way in the medical and financial industry and its all about numbers out here. That and the skillset serves the purpose of my lifelong goal of becoming an esteemed polymath. A polymath is someone skilled in a variety of scientific and artistic pursuits and fields, that intricately merge into each other. A Jack of All Trades- Master of Some. A Renaisance Woman or Man for those gentlemen that pursue it. I might as well get that awkward pause out of here. Anyway, I guess that was a naive assumption that he was being honest about teaching me. Its funny, because I never looked at him romantically from my intial meeting. I met him at my job. He was one of my tables; I liked them; a large group; black males and females. I didnt think much of him, actually to be honest I dont even remember my impression of him from the table. They were cool, I was doing my job and we had a lot of friendly banter, but Dre, he didnt stand out to me. Im pretty sure I remember them all explaining what they did for work. Finance, which is cool. Im getting my Masters in Finance and Marketing despite my extended break that had to be placed while i figured out money and surviving in NY. Again, Dre didnt strike me at the table, it was when I was in the back section of my job; firing orders that he came near the booth, waiting in line for the bathroom. He smiled and.. well - Ive never been so attracted to a smile like that. Kinda shy, very handsome, a small gap but it doesnt take away from his beautiful smile. He started throwing some 'innocent lines', which as a beautiful woman in NY, you get use to men spitting game at you. IDK what it was about him, I was really ready to dismiss him until, idk - it seemed lie he was fumbling with what to say to me. Almost like he really was unsure of how ot approach me. So I looked up at him, and again he smiled and mentioned that he was a math major in college and that his job requires a lot of numbers and that he loves it. IDK why that was so attractive to me. During my healing faze of detaching from my ex of five years, and re-establishing who I was as an individual, I began a lot of self reflection, a lot of game planning, a lot of development for my eventual metamorphasis and manifestation of the woman I am meant to be. Something I got blinded to while being in my last relationship and continuously altering my behavior to fit his preference. Remember our last talk about Toxic Relationships? You got it. This is going to be a long post guys. Its been a while and this piece- this Dre- he- really inspired and set into motion these things that were latent inside of me. Its important that I say this now. I wasnt because he did anything. For all I know he's a complete ass that I should be lucky to have been rejected in the cowardly way that e rejected me because he coud be one of these regular and boring ass, status seekers, with no real value or concept of wealth, or any of his own for that matter ; and that all my awesomeness was simply awakened by his presence. But I dont know. What I do know, is that I fell in love with him, and admittedly, even though he told me to "leave him be" , (who talks like that anyway), I appreciated the qualities that I saw in him, the moments where we did share together, the things that he inspired in me, all for the simple little things he was, and seemed to care for, and do. I liked the fact that he spoke a lot about his mom. My friend looked at me weird and asked why that was a turn on. I didnt want to respond that shes kinda a slut and wouldnt understand that. He never tutored me by the way. The day he set up to meet was at a bar, and my misreading of his text message resulted in me awkwardly showing up with pre-calculus workbooks and a lot of anticipation. I didnt get mad though; I know; very unlike me, but thats because the experience he offered me that day was so enjoyable i didnt mind not getting what I came for. He never tutured me, but he directed me to geometry, which thanks to him pointing me, has done more for my life than I can say. I wish I could say more about him. A month and a half with him, and he kinda disappeared. Or at least tried to. This guys story switched up so quick I was literally confused. He went from statements like wanting to share himself with me too, to awkwardly disappearing when I texted. To saying he wanted to be friends for now, when I texted him on the 4th of July stating I could be his lover, nothing, or friend- at least tell me where I stand. To him having a lot gong for him and doing a European vacation, and saying he received all my txt. Yeah, I got it. He's in finance, but with my degree I could be in finance too. In fact with my degree I'd technically be his Boss or automatically a year ahead of him. I had(have) a car (Mercedes S - Class), he didnt. The lease was written solely in my name- his wasnt. And what was with him having female roommates, only female roommates? Not that I minded, but the shadiness of that guy to this day blows my mind. He was still sleeping on an air mattress. I did that too. When I was broke as hell in NY but you know I eventually put 200 up for a bed. This nigga (i have to say it like that- because the audacity of this guy) was supposed to be making bank. Right? Not that I cared what he was making because I was more focused on mine. I already intended in breaking into the same industry while working as I do as a model and sole owner of three developing businesses, almost complete with my Masters. So to me; this guy would be a compliment. Especially when he said he produces music. Ok. Like WOW. I never thought it from you. Then he said for Hip Hop and R&B and my shade face came back on. You mean the industry with all the classless sluts ( i mean mean and women) who pollute our youths minds, the perpertatrate street violence, and the affiliation, one of the leading causes of why my younger brother Prince Ike Okorie is not hear with us today? But again thats just most of the industry, not all of it. But in my head I began to question this guys character. Believe and know this, he played me. He maliciously deceived me to get something, and Ive never been played before. I took my time with him. Gave a decent wait before sleeping with him, and did so only because he had shown consistent care and interest in me. Lets not mention that he was unreachable on Sundays But I fell, I thought he was for me. I felt great around him. Free to express myself. I admit there are one or two or three incidences where I believe I did something that created a miscommunication or a distrust from him towards me. But again, miscommunication is a terrible thing. I continued to reach out to him during his vacation. I was too afraid to call him because we werent established (though I kept asking) and didnt want him to think the wrong things. So I texted him ( and to be honest- I HATE texting). He had told me that in one of our last encounters - which for me was full of embararssment and many are the divine powers messing with me for giggles? moments) I wanted him. Wanted him bad. In a way he became a torch for me, because all I wanted to do was trust him and bring my best effort and me to him, because I felt that he was trusthworthy, that he would cherish it, protect it, love it, encourage it- even when it differed from him. He had said things like, I was his muse, or that he thought I was very special (I am ^_^), that i inspired him, on our first 'date' (Tutoring session!!! He stole the kiss!! I was just going for the ride and feeling him out!!!-I loved every minute of it- even after my intial upset- a perfect kiss) I want to tell you everything but its way to much and believe me- if hes a super private guy- hed probably be pissed that Im writing this. But he didnt respond- he chickened out and avaoided me- avoided saying anything remotely like a why? or a goodbye. His roommates told me he had a ex-girlfriend he's been going back and forth with. Again I'm all for fighting to stay together for the sake of love but if the problems are repeats of the same issue "Let it go! Let it Go!"".. I say that after sticking it out for five years with my ex. Yeah we still talk. Yeah, we still love each other, but every time he and i get close enough to influence each other- same damn problem. He's an EX for a reason. But Dre, I liked that he spoke fondly of his mother- saying things like my mother was a hippy. Every time hed say that Id get scared- like he was saying it to me to let me know that I'd been found out. I Crystal Okorie.... am a Hippy He said she reads the paper late at night- just like me I was afraid that if he continued talking I'd have to admit, I'd want him to call me Mommy- sometimes- only when its nasty.... Anyway. I challenged him to an artistic collage that intially none of us completed. I at least tried- half assedly- I sent a bunch of pictures from my phone to meet the deadline. He disappeared for a week until I texted him asking what happened, and he told me he figured I was mad and didnt want to deal with him. Here was why I was worried about his character. He's a man. Men have it hard, they are bombarded my these ideas and concepts of what a man is to be. Driven, Focused, Wealthy, Well Dressed, a Ladies Man (a man whore basicallY) and they dont get any pass from women, since there are plenty of women, willing to play hoes and lay on there backs to get everthing. And other men are doing it and taking advantage of the hoe market Economics; Supply and Demand But some men withstand those things and because he came from an athelrtic background just like me. I figured he was willing to work to overcome weakness and develop He. Me. WE. He was a football player, and boy did that turn me on. Its the sexiest thing to me. A man willing to ram through the opposition- with his team- for his team- with dedication- fighting for what he believed in. Coming to WIN Yeah.. just writing that did a couple of things to me. But again his character. He works in finance as a broker. Meaning he handles other people money- millions- billions. He doesnt know the blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice it takes to build something so large from nothing. The businesses my switch hands to a bunch of people that dont know the real dedication and spirit it takes to make a build those things; so often they become corrupted because they are chasing money and things. Thats why none of these finance people are anything like Warren Buffet- Buffet has CHARACTER. He knows what it means to climb from the bottom with principle on his back- and hes aware hes surounded by snakes. So heres this guy- that I think is Wonderful. My Wonder Boy if you will. Cause he knows and loves his Mama, and from his actions I THOUGHT I played a special role for him. Here he is getting all this money- to move large money- surrounded by snakes- and weak personalities- riddled with insecurity- that use money and expensive clothes as a cushion because they lack the qualities inherent to be valued to such esteem. And you have me. Who with it or without it- I got it going on-but again- I worked for these qualities. and avaoided things that would tear it down. So Im not ashamed to say thanks to God, I'm proud of ME. But back to him and this art challenge. He's getting all of this in his developing years surrounded by hoe minded girls ( and dont let looks deceive- in the media they portray the temptresses as perfect 10s but these qualities show from ratings 1-7) Real tens- the ones who dont have to fake it to make it. They dont think like sluts. They place enough value on themselves to not need what he's got. I give myself a 9 and a half because I dont do my hair and dont care too much id my clothes are LV-- but you see men when I show up- and my modeling pictures do talk. I was worried about the challenges and temptations he would face, then he said he wanted to be a music producer. Which scared me thoroughly. Ive seen a few episodes of LHH. Was this what I would have to deal with if me and him worked out? A talented, but coniving liar, cheat, soon to be std ridden producer guy with money. I dont want that. Id rather be single and do in vitro than to ever end up with that kind of guy. But I believed in him. More importantly I believed in me and what with faith and a strong heart could develop between us. So the project...Using any artistic medium of your choice Show: who you are, what youve been through, where you are going, your hopes and wishes, and yes- even your fears I figure since I hadent heard from him. To commit to finish the project- I mean the idea was inspired into me by him I really wanted to share myself with him. We had a natural flow with each other- I thought that at least. The things he noticed and felt insecure about himself, and even how he played with different lights fixtures in him room. Just like me. Said he was allergic to cats even though him and his roommates have one and I have two, but he mentioned one day that because of me he sat down and bore his allergies to pet her. Yeah- I got that tender feeling for that too. I saw a lot of try in him. He said he saw no similarities. I saw our differences too, thats the thing with perception- what you focus on- you get I liked the way we were different- his different were all in areas I naturally wanted to develop- and he did it naturally- so yes- a tutor i would get- but I wanted a friend too, a lover to top being his friend. I created a video piece. I sent it piece by piece- because the project was a lot- I admit its a project you should do just for you. There are some therapeutic affects. I was a psychology major so this project counts as a subversive treatment. Can you believe it? I created a treatment for personal disorders because of him I did a lot inspired by him I wanted him in my life But he doesnt- for whatever reason- he never had the heart to tell me But regardless- I grew. I developed. And I'm so glad I met him Of course there is always hope that he actually watches it. It was for his eyes only so you should never (better not) see it on the internet. I gave him a key on a ribbon I admit- I learned the purest form of Love through him. The entire project I commited to I became closer to God- I even sent him a bible and a rosary, with my personal bible study notes and suggestions. So here I am. After 1 month of completel falling and 6 months of consistent offering and sharing. Ive grown and I have a new challnge that thanks to him- I'm a bit more prepared for. Id love for his heart to be touched. For him to develop in kind. For if God sees fit- for him to one day be mine. But I'll move towards my future solo this time. With my memory of him to remind me- that with- God- Hope- and Love -- just waitt and work something will show up in TIME.