About a Duck

Woke up after a dream where i was shown why i needed to lose my job - in the dream i was still employeed but my two favorite employees kept telling me that i was ready, that i had been prepared and cared for there and i my purpose needed me to leave there. the dream kept showing me that if i had stayed there trouble would come. they helped me prepare and made me select the clothes to keep and move forward with and which to throw- i saved two items that were wet and dirty in a tub- the dress i went on a first date with this finance guy last summer- i kept saying that my sister gave it to me- i guess i did buy it based off of her fashion sense - as well as a white button up shirt with lace frills. they both dressed me in white did my hair placed a garland of huge white flowers and kept rubbing me in scented oil. i woke up at 11;30 cut some cantaloupe - read some random article in my newsfeed, about how ducks are supposed to be fed frozen peas, grapes, and something else cut in half rather than junk food bread. i thought that was weird choice of article, then i remembered that a week before i lost my job when i was sent home early because business was slow, i went to the tattoo shop a block over where my dj friend works and sells my piercing jewelry and said i wanted to get the duck tattoo i had been thinking about for two weeks with the words faith written under it. Interesting side note was that there was a new tattoo artist who had just started that day and the only other artist was the piercer. i was that guys first tattoo on his first day at 10:30 pm and after showing him my idea images he said he wanted to draw his interpretation of the look i was going for. So here i am on a Sunday, wondering what am i going to do to get myself out of the mess im in and i just thought 'f- it'. i went into on room grabbed a fol up chair and placed it in the bathroom i brought my laptop and placed it on the chair far away from the tub- filled the tub up with water and said to myself im going to sit in this tub an listen to joel olsteen until im ready to get out. I spent 5 hours in the tub just washing and listening to the sermon. I watched as i washed how the plain water began to turn colors as i washed. i continued to listen to his sermons as they really got into my head- about Gods blessings, about loving people unconditionally, about speaking blessings into our lives, about not saying anything if we didnt have anything positive to say. By the third hr i was still soaping and listening and when i looked down at the water the water was clean and full of bubbles. i noticed all of my tattoos, or at least the ones i could visibly see on myself- which is ten (technically 9 and 1/4) of twelve. i looked up and saw my rubber ducky and threw him in the tub with the bubbles and kept listening. i was surprised that the water still felt warm after 4 hrs. the battery died and i was just reflecting on my lessions and still washing. looking up i saw all these products in the bathroom i barely use. what ever was good to go in the bath or be rubbed on i threw it in saying- im tossing these, using them up, or giving them away. i poured an entire bottle of oil in the tub sprayed two different body sprays and perfumes on myself and into the water- one was a knock off of a gucci fragrance that smelt good for $2 called love me- the other was a vs body spray my friend gave me with a lotion last year as a birthday present called aqua kiss. i had this one thermal lotion that turned your skin hot then cold. which is a terrible idea in a tub full of look warm water- even when i ran hot water on my skin the cold numbing affect from rubbing the entire jar on my body was magnified- this product- that- into the tub- the water smelt great. then it began changing colors (the oil) i grabbed a bar of soap washing again wondering if i could get the bubbles to come back. some did but the oil separated them, i drained the tub and rub coupious amount of the barely used Victoria's Secret Aqua Kiss lotion and spray, freaking out about how fresh the scent was and how i should have been wearing it to castings. i got out of the tub and thought just how different i managed to feel by such a simple act, how i didnt have to fix anything that whatever was to be fixed was being fixed. how grateful i am to have a home and the ability as of right now to give myself a queen style bath. how i didnt plan it but somehow i ended up in a tub because of a duck and was in a sense being anointed, and even better knowing that im due for another session tonight. I guess this post is more exposition than anything else, but its funny I think how God chose to reach me this day in fact i think its best to leave this post as it is so that whatever the people who read this neeed to get out of this get that. Be BLESSED

What's the difference??

We all have a tendency to criticize ourselves and others. It's just one of the ways we have learned to mentally process things that we will do and things that we won't. Think about it, for every action there is an opposite and you don't get anywhere by sitting on the fence. As such we have rationalized picking what we consider ideal and what we consider unworthy . Remember however my writers voice the next time you catch yourself in the act, that just because you deem something worthy or unworthy doesn't make it the truth- it makes it a choice. We all have choices,it's something we may often forget when we try to live to the standards of others rather than the standards we place for ourselves. I found myself irretrievably stuck until I read some positive inspirational words from another woman. As I was reading them, I thought to myself 'this is exactly how I speak to people when they face a setback'. So immediately my question to myself was, why wasn't I as positive and motivational when it came to myself?? A truth struck me like lightining. At some point I began to care about what others deemed right and worthy for me than what I did. In fact it had become so bad that it felt like I had let an entire counsel of people / not me / reside in my head and criticize what it was I was to do with my life. Never mind my desire for self betterment, love, and generosity- how did they figure my success. I found myself once again glued to the bed. Was this essentially the same as being possessed by demons? Idk, but it felt like it because all of my qualities and strengths no longer seemed like factors because in my head the trend of the people valued something else. And them I really thought hard. This woman speaking said she went through the same thing, that her entire life up to her mid twenties involved the care of the opinions of others and how it had made her negative and fearful. Negative and fearful/ that's exactly how I've been feeling since my arrival to NY. Often times when I'd travel back to DC, I'd feel like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then I realized, it wasn't NY, but my thought process as a result. Who did I have to please? How did I need to behave? It was only when I wasn't in work mode I'd get a clear idea and feedback on who I was. Confident, charismatic, kind, intelligent and beautiful. What was the difference? One minute I'd be thinking my life was on the line- the next this is a weekend and none of these people are going to make it for me. Fear- fear was the culprit. Which is right and which is wrong? How about the one that inspires joy, the one that pushes you to grow, the one where you can track your progress, the choice where you were connected to something higher than the group mentality Perhaps that's the key to breaking out of fear and living your life

Ok- I'm in trouble

This morning, was unlike any other. Or perhaps it was but I felt it most intensely because I longed for a resolution at it's very inception. I've been keeping to myself for the most part. A bit to much of the heavy side of life- but believe me I've given 110 to being cheerful. Which is why today was unlike the other days, but not quite. I had taken it upon myself to wake early to meet with an attorney and upon second thoughts determined any day but Monday for such matters. Again feeling the heavy side of life- I went for cheese. Question? As you read this- do you hear a British accent?? Cool- I figure it lightens the heavy . Hahahahaha I've been doing this thing where you define your projected outcomes. I wish I'd done it sooner or else I wouldn't need an attorney. And a large sum of money- please tell me that in this life I can rely on the goodness and godliness in people's hearts to lean towards charity just this once to save me. Seriously, I don't know how I got here- no worries - in such cases I highly recommend backtracking and a dictionary . Seriously So I will be doing a lot of that from preventing such a matter from happening again and kindly and formally informing friends and family that I need assistance in getting $10,000 in my gofund me by Saturday before a case on Monday or... I'm in trouble Look- I guarantee you- should I make it- you're going to really love me To us all that make mistakes - backtracking- humbling begging- and a dictionary

Love Hard

Its Monday evening and after a day of wrapping my head around my weeks responsibilities and one friend inviting themselves over and then not showing up all I can think is, LOVE HARD. Love hard because you never know who might need a little extra. Love hard because loving hard and giving your all - truly, selflessly, without expectations on the person you are loving has some transformational affects on you. Love hard because you never know if the moment you have with a person is your last. Believe me, there is one case, where I realized those words could never be more true. Let's keep this one short

Forlorn Adonis

Surging and pummeling Threatening to knock me of edge Breathing like fire, my skull splits Within it all the things imaginable Tangible gone A history of Eygpt, a past in Rome Euclides could not have pondered a more measurable journey Drawn out and sweet, and yet intrinsically short A sea born goddess like Aphrodite To love and loss , my Adonis please speak Embrace me with your mind Enrapture me with your soul Remind me of your beauty These lips enthralled Heaving in ecstasy Dripping in song Or perhaps a parable One does not know My ode to you is all that can chance A spirited wish a resolution to the past.

Mama will we get there?

Of the greatest things in life, I owe my mother. She may make me mad and annoy the hell out of me, but at some point I have to be grateful. I think it's easy to take for granted your parents, they are by far the most self sacrificing people you will encounter. Sometimes to a fault I may add. It doesn't matter what trouble you are going through. You will inevitably find, your pain is your parents pain. Sometimes I feel bad about that fact, most of my troubles are self made, and it seems almost unfair that someone else feels the need to shoulder the emotional baggage. Emotional baggage isn't fun for anybody btw.

Often I wish I could just get it all together and be perfect so that my mother would have more joys than sorrows. I've noticed that she lives vicariously through me, which can sometimes also be annoying- while nonetheless flattering. If I could I'd just snap my fingers and give her a mansion , frequent trips around the world, gold jewelry, and more of my expendable time- but it takes a little more than just snapping your fingers, and sometimes I wonder with all my troubles and all her pills will I ever make it in time to give her all that I know she deserves? I just wonder

For You One Thousand

If I could speak a thousand words I'd speak them just for you If I could love a thousand ways I'd love them all for you It doesnt matter how or when A thousand would surely do A thousand more, one thousand more I'd do them all for you

One more.... A promise, is a promise, is a promise speak one word, I promise Promise to hold you, cherish you Make right you wrongs, make good your bad But promise Promise me my soul wont die for keeping it in your hands Yes, my soul that belongs to no one but God But I promised Him, you werent bad I promised him to love you right He made me promise to return to the Promised Land I promised him I wont come back, without my other hand So a promise is a promise, I hope you understand I promised to bring my right hand back You promised we'd both return to DAD Poems by Crystal Okorie Model: Crystal Okorie Photographer: Justin Walters