addictions

I met you in 2006. no wait;; it was the fall;; September of 2005-- We left in 2007

I found you again 2016. the end of 2017 I knew you wanted this to be over again.

I guess 2018 could be like 2008;

Id rather it not; You moving on and me thinking you'll be mine again.


or maybe we'll take briefly 2-5 years twice and then was 2020-23 we can try one last time again??


Ok. come on now .


I know I cant account for such time..

I mean lets see 29, 30,31?? -33/34?? hmmm.

Id rather have started a family.

In fact I ythink I heard you say you would too??

You said you'd have an amazing wife;

You stated plainly;; It wont be you.


Yeah;; Yeah;; I get the way.

I wonder whats she's like;


Hmm/?? I still remember what you said about our babies.


I wonder if you saw the ones I saw??

I know; i know;; its not you;;

it definitely wasng my ex??

Lol i had to squint my eyes trying to imagine that because my genes would have to be super to pull the entire person and physicalization of the child as my own plus enhanced

I thought it was yours;; Cause i saw a boy;

hey''' its my vision i can mention what i thought i imaged.


OOOOOh this cute little boy;; younger than his sister;
I wonder if I'll adopt any??


I definitely want to have my own;;

Idk;

Science project??

Or maybe an opportunity to beat the Devil;

I had a vision he wanted to take me out durimg labor;


Well;; Idk;; sometimes i feel like i had a lot;; some i feel like;;

idk;;

times is still going and im not supposed to rely on these visions;; i mean it could just be my imagination;;


hmm;; haven't gotten any answers from God;;
but i dont think ive really been asking the right questions.
I found some prayers i told myself id start documenting on my spare waitressing pad;

Absolutley embarrassed coming back to some of my request;


man;; even tried to trade you out for this one dude i dated for 1 month after just accepting you've said no to me for the last 4 months.. That was in the summer;;

you remember;;


yeah;; fucking stupid ass rfequests;; i wrote one the day you came back when you overheard it was ending;

lol;;

I used a computer reference;;

I was like'' This motherfucker!! i started to get over him;; just modified my loyalty since the new guy is actually here;; being a romantic date;;

and then he ;; he isn't the one for sure!!! but then you touched me and flashed bios back to your ownership;

Like;




HEY!!!!!!!



Then you left;; with your name retched with the prayer notes to God showing up;; dated and signed;


Like: God I dont know what im asking for;

as i rip up any evidence of thinking summer fling could replace you;

and damn it it;; how can i be sure it you;; youre offline again saying;




Go away leave me be;


Fine:: but what do you expect me to go do??

Not rush into another relationship;

oh


go focus on my career???

who am i building this for???



Me?

Ok i had that vision;

Sexy me in my Manhattan Penthouse; alone!!!


with;; hoipefully no addictions? Friends?
They have families and lives;;

plus;;;



I need love that also accepts my private time;;;i just want;




shit;; not the statistically evidence;;

cause this family business is...






look at the historical data


this can go mafia;; ex wives and mistresses real quick;


Me I'm a woman;; if im not the jilted;;


whats the expectation????


I could only love someone like you?? so your bestfriend? no;; what im not going to go looking??

No; I dont want that:: im just giving you a visual description of the statistical historical data and inputting;; us;; as the various parties;;


ugh you want a girl you can snort coke off her chest;


yeah;; except if i marry you like that;; that means we both have an addiction and what abou the kids;


I saw myself die if i got involved wigh you with herion;

you were holding my body in the tub; crying;


oh and what if you beat me??

oh i hope i dont start the cycle by hitting you;;


oh;; i hope you just dont start because im too nice;

well not as likely;;


i start off pushing back because i dont like or value disrespect;



ugh-- all these scenarios are depressing;

and i hate to say but trying to make this a cookie cutter scenario sounds boring..















There is a way;; its just going to be our way.

I really wish i could pray with you;; face to face;;
that way i could hear you hopes and fear just like you are hearing mines and it can be before God.



Addictions;;

lets talk about them;;

lol;; lets not;






Be ye sober minded;;


but alcohol and drugs seem like the adult motto in all the historical evidence;

i tried to justify pot;; but i might as well justify smoking opium;



i mean its natural;




what the fuck did i start on??




Yeah the future;;

we are all creating it;

with various hopes; archetypes; dreams; and invisionments;

Were your parents happy?

My parental situation was different;

My mom is an African Bad Ass;

so unless im set on accepting im doing my life without a husband;; its hard to create my plan just being like her;



thats all i know and the statistics;







i know first break all addictions;

I got a peculiar one that doesn't involve drugs its horoscopes and relationships;

its a form of idol worship;;

just like drugs;; in that you use it to make you happy or;;; fix your future;













man;; but i know the answer to this dilemma involves love;; because i can kick drugs and alcohol;;i did it through college before my ex and i settled into;; well he like to drink;; id prefer to smoke between the too considering my past relationship;'

i barely bartend although i can;; moral reasons really;





but;; damn;;;; you think my scenario would have been different if i had leaned on God while finding my hope for love??


yeah;; it might have been pure enough to make me marry my unbelieving ex in NY;

im kinda glad that didnt work out;; he really didnt want to believe in God and that hurt becauser i had a lot of trials where i felt rescued by the one he didnt believe had power;;;;


ooh i had this vision once after a college party i went with him after i graduated;;


it was like we were in heaven;; and were angels and there was a war;;

and i was an angel that had defunct because i wanted to have children;; so i fell away but when the war started;; its like;; me and the angel i had married had rejoined ranks and i was; pierced in my womb; with the baby i was carrying; and the angel Micheal;; he came cause i was actually fighting the Devil;; >>>>>>like id be taken out by another regular angel;; lol;;

it was a vision;; i knew i was present;; but;; what happened;; well i thought my ex was micheal cause i actually physically started falling and he caught me;

but then this dude switched up on me;


there was this one time i hit a jay after i started getting comfortable re-exploring marijuana;;

where i thought this dude was an agent of the debil;;; only because a shadow fell over him and i saw him in a suit with a red light beg=hind him laughing;; with a fullfigured female behind him; a year later i discovered that female did exist it was the ex he never told me about that he was cheating with;;




sometimes i wonder because of her carribean decent some voodoo had been created;; cause the cirmstnaces involving our discoverey but non communication surfaced as;

well;;

why do chicks always try to use their breast to attract men??



I mean;; I have them but i figure ;;; you know in the modeling agency they have to be proportionate in a different way;; like small but round voluminous;

which is different than what mainstream media projects or walking down the street;



Whatever; the French had an ideal;; its got fit in this cup;; and

any condolences because i dont want saggy titties to turn anyone on;;

lets be realistic;;p

science says gravity brings it down as you hit menopause;

Im hoping to live through my senior years looking 20 something somehow;;;



im looking for that elixir;



but until then;; at least the bible says a real man loves the bosom of the wife of his youth;;



that could mean anything;;


but hey;; it lets you know that what ever was supposed to be yours is good enough;





























what happened;;;??? Yeah;; no more horoscopes and obsessive relationships;

honestly i think God separated us until one;; or both of us learned how to ask him for th right type of love;

you know he one he gives to the woman and the man;





Lol;; that vision with the angels;;


what happened; i was saved;; and so was my boo thing;;; and God let us keep the kid;;; he was scared!!!!


but thats silly;; if anything;; i can use that for a great screenplay;; like the one with Ben Affleck;

its going to be tight!!!!!!!











this is why you dont drink and smoke after dancing for 2 hrs