A relationship. Now, I'm not here to point fingers and lay blame, pointing puts four fingers back in my direction regardless, but I do realize now something that people close to me kept saying. If you don't feel comfortable in your relationships - LEAVE. It wasn't like the person was a bad person, I love them to this very day, but circumstances in our relationship did not give me peace of mind or the comfort I expected from a relationship.
And even though it didn't I tried to force it to work. I look back at it now and realize that we wanted different things at different times and issue after issue, I didn't feel myself anymore and resentment crept in on both sides. The smart thing to do again would have been to leave, but despite not getting what I wanted, I didn't want to be in NY alone, and I truly cared about this person, and it was fixable right?
If I had known that letting go would have spared me from the self made distraction of trying to fix something that could not be forceable repaired, I would have focused more on my goals, finances, school, and ambition. Who knows the relationship might have worked itself out, or not, but I would have given myself the room I needed to grow.
My mistake wasn't dating my ex. My ex like me, isn't perfect, he's a great guy and just like anyone, no one wants to hear whats wrong- including me. But if I had just accepted that I was unhappy with the circumstances and the truth of the matter was and is that I was willing to fight for something that didn't profit me, really meant I was fearful of not having a relationship validate me.
Was I getting what I want, not really, but I was willing to stay because in my head this person had qualities that I felt would make for a good mate, and maybe he still does, but if I was unhappy with the present circumstances why force it? In many cases feeling like I had a partner to help work on me and my ambitions seemed more ideal than bearing my burden alone, to the extent I'd compromise my standards.
It took having to stay alone for a little to realize that. That there are messy parts that still need to be developed and then there are parts that are so developed that sometimes I figure if I come with all my good features I wont find someone compatible for me. It seemed easier to want to find a partner who would want to build up together so incase I didn't polish out in my messy areas, they new what they had, and well if I was secure enough to shine my blessings I could always use the fact that I morphed into a butterfly before their eyes and I was still human, eccentric, lovable, Crystal.
That didn't happen again, thats completely foolish in fact to think. You don't settle for things in order to be accepted, nor do you put all of your focus into someone to mold them into your perfect partner in order for you to grow.
That was my biggest mistake.
You face yourself and you GROW, you put in the work and grow, and the right person will love you and support you as you are, and you don't have to take in fragments in a relationship that are against your principles. Of course you address the problem and see if things change but if they don't- LEAVE because you will be just as guilty as your partner for whatever happens afterwards.
I look back and I wasted 3 years- sure there have been plenty of accomplishments- but they are over shadowed by the snail pace and drama I inflicted into my own life.
In three years I had graduated EARLY from college taking 34 credits a semester, while modeling, working out, AND experiencing the death of my younger brother while juggling my mothers health issues. I know what I'm made of and my ex did too, and the last 3 years were unfortunately a shame to myself because I was unwilling to walk away from a situation, focus on my growth and goals, and let God take care of it.
You know I prayed so much about that one situation- and I tell you this- I sit close to God, and I know that things were supposed to workout but not by undermining my blessings, my principles, and growth, and dare I say my partner. To be honest - I'm glad it didn't work out because the Crystal I was becoming and behaving as was not acceptable and not even half of what I was created to be, and I'm grateful to my partner for passing things off.
You know I wanted that relationship to work out so much that I stopped caring about how I was working and growing- and thats DANGEROUS. I don't blame my partner because I have a strong belief that when you shine, you help others shine and inspire greatness from them as well- but if you don't you draw those things out of them as well- and either party has a decision to make (1) stay a destroy each other- or (2)separate and grow apart or together.
I didnt even give myself a chance. That was my mistake. I look back and maybe it was because I managed to speak to my ex about it, but I was the change that needed to happen - I know it because of prayer and simply because everytime I found myself out of the situation, like magic some huge opportunity was lying at my doorstep. What type of wake up calling do I need to know that my blessings were waiting for me to just recieve them and open them.
I cant say for sure what will happen. Three years is a lot, but I know that my self growth is my responsibility, and prayers do work- if you listen and pay attention. Maybe that person will be in my life- maybe they were only meant for a season. I cant control them- I'm not supposed to, I'm supposed to grow and get comfortable with being my best cheerleader good and bad and if they return; see if they fit in my growth and I in theirs. Thats not something that can be forced though.
I tell you this though- the more time you let pass between you and your blessing- the more catch up you have to do once its over. MY GOODNESS!! I have a lot of WORK!!!
Do I regret my mistake? No- the love was real- and well theres no point in regretting when theres work to do, God has plans and I'm messing with his time, I'll decide whether or not to regret when I'm heading to the death bed. Too many opportunities lie ahead for one to look back at a MISTAKE.