Wednesday, June 29, 2016

To Prince

Yo Hommes,
Little Bro,
I figured I pen out something I didnt say before you were gone.
I guess in many ways we lived lives, miles apart.

I know you looked up to me.
I know I also did things that made you question whether I took my responsibilities seriously
When you died,
I had a lot of questions.
I thought how your birthday had just been days before
How you asked me a question about energy
I was shocked you trusted me to ask me about it
You and I tended to fight
I was older and whitewashed in your eyes
You were the little brother I had to keep an eye on.
I know theres not much I could do to prevent your loss, your death
Your leaving
I felt guilty for a while thinking you were where you were that day based off of some advise or habit
I had taught you years earlier in my past.
Life went on after you passed
And I sat on this weird crossroad between the present and the past
You asked me about energy
And its funny because its you who visits me in my warning dreams
So I guess your energy lives on; somewhere
Im ready to step up and do more
Keep your eyes open from where your at.

Let Me Get Into Your Head Space: Help You In Your Head Space; Help You See Yourself More Clearly; Pretty/Handsome

I think more than anything, when life throws curve balls, you need someone to coach you back to life. Someone to encourage you. Yes, a great deal of the work is dependent on you and your ability to self motivate, but encouragement from the outside can really help you to see things better.

Life is beautiful. If you take a minute, to really write down all the things that have went wrong in your life; ie; your failures. Seriously, write them out. You would be surprised how your fear of failure might not be as debilitating as you think. Why would I say that?

Well, if you accept failure, as part of your road to success, you will find that where you are currently, IS a SUCCESS.

You made it through some things you thought would stop you, and destroy your life, and look at you; right now living life, not destroyed, and past what was possibly more than a couple of challenging tests. Hell, if you write them out, and really think about what you learned and how you came through it, they might seem smaller than they once were, maybe easy because you grew to the level to overcome. The only thing probably stopping you is the post traumatic stress of having to adapt to overcome; you're probably scared because you think it wasn't supposed to be hard or worried if you could handle it if faced again. I lived in my car for three months; you will be fine. But think about the skills you developed going through it, and how they play into making you more capable where you are today and where you are going. Think about it.

You did overcome.

You overcame. You overcame and you grew, and you learned something valuable. Really take second to think or write out what you learned in that situation.

This creates for you, a 'whats the worst that can happen?' hand book. If you accept your failures, most of them might not seem like failures when you come to review where they have taken you, what you have learned, and how you have grown.

You are more resilient and powerful than you think. I really cant help stressing writing these things down, because your subconscious mind isn't holding this in concretely. I can imagine that, you've experienced a weight being lifted, your confidence being boosted, and the fear of your past being reviewed; challenged , and accepted; but, I guarantee. Two sentences from that memory you had, you forgot. Kinda like when you look at your face in the mirror and you forget what you look like. You vaguely remember but not as clearly as looking at someone else's face. Weird right??

Where did I get this from? Today, I decided to get out and explore, and I took this little book that I bought 3 years ago with me, called Women's guide to Money. This book is great for men too. In it there are a series of exercises that help you understand your values about, money, life, your values, and your mind. Its crazy because if you are in a money crunch at any point in your life; it all has to do with your value system, any conflicts in goals with those values, lack of clarity of what you want and how to get it, fears, and essentially not thinking about it.

As a man thinketh, so he becomes; is a quote from the bible. Actually I have a couple, ' like Paul saying to encourage one another'. Having faith. I really would prefer if you picked up your bible to learn the word, than rely on me to teach; I'll speak it to you, but you really have to study it for yourself, and get it into your heart.

There was something else I thought about as I re-read portions of this book; finding post-its and book marks in sections I had pointed out 3 years past.

I'll share with you more in the near future the exercises, but I really have to sit down and write out these things for myself too, because there are some conflicts of what I want and what I value. Hey, Im in the trenches here with you.

But let me tell you; this thing works. I remember 3 years ago when I bought this book for a $1 from a used book store, when I was between jobs, and when I ran through the exercises, I mean literally two days later, I had two jobs and money was flowing to me left and right. And I can only say it had to do with a shift in my thinking, and being clear on my defining statements. And when the well would dry up, it was usually because I would go on auto-pilot, not thinking writing it out, and really reviewing my next steps, and real desires.

You gotta do it. I gotta do it.''

There's another thing I want to share with you, but I want to go focus for a minute and I'm really writing free form for you. If this gets any longer; I'm going to have to standardize it; and I really need to invest more time into me and my head space.

Bye !

Tuesday, June 21, 2016


I took this long nap in my car. It was amazing. I had been doing a lot of sleeping today. Processing things, dealing with that time of the month.
The one inside the car was the best- I don't know why but it was the most refreshing. My neck felt better, straighter; like something came off. Maybe it was because I took sometime to dance in the rain? Who knows but it felt good.

I woke up and it was already 10 pm and the neighbors across the street were surely shocked to see a head randomly pop up.

Got up went out. Freshened up. Three more post on the blog just for good luck.

We will be back to our coordinated scheduling and post. Be on the lookout for , who knows.

This post is only here to serve to show, you never know where your peace will come from.

Model: Crystal Okorie

Its Over

One more for the road

Get mad

Real mad

Post about it on twitter

Talk about it on social media

Think about it and let it simmer

How you looked for an enemy

An enemy that truly lies deep within you

How you focused on me

But I didnt focus on you

But I did pause,

Pause to notice where all this unnecessary energy was coming from

Some people call it envy

I call it, your loss

We can do this one more time for the road

But afterwards I have to get started on my calling

And I'll make sure security hinders your following me

Because this is really getting old

I did appreciate the break

I did find watching you entertaining

And then I caught on

How far off path it had gotten

I should have left you to self destruct

Im sure youve made yourself a life long enemy

Im not sure if I can shake you off

I put this one up in prayer

Lord bind those who come against me from now on


Youre on your own

Competition- Rejected!

We can do this a thousand times
How many times?
One thousand.
You say something
Then I say something
You do something
and I'll do something
and it wont be till one of us does nothing that we determine
Whose doing what best
When I get lazy
and you act crazy
I show up
and you blow up

I think we figured out what makes something the best.
Sit over there

I passed this test.

Why does it have to be negative?
Why do you care so much when I do mines?

You're getting a little too old for this.

I passed you when I wasn't trying.

Namaste as Our Souls Transcend Time

Why I let him go.

I had to let you go.
For your benefit and mines.
See I know you drive a hard bargain

and youll appreciate this in time

I cant stop you from the porn
the app that lets you seek out nude girls in your neighborhood

No, to fight you for them, would only lead to their resurface in time.

I couldnt fight you for your insecurity

And I couldnt let you continue to breed mines

All the ways I was right for you

You will appreciate in time

I had to reject you
I had to reject you this time
See you rejected something deep within me

It was what was good for you
So the shadow rejected me-
That's why.

And if I stayed the shadow would have destroyed it in time.
In days to come, you will yearn for me.

And will remember the part of me that was saved and divine
It is those parts you will remember
And you will change for the better in time

But I must reject you
I must reject you and heres why

Theres a beautiful life for me and you

And I have to ensure mines

The good in me will attract the good in you

But only if I respect it- and heres why

My soul recognizes the soul in you

It will all make sense in time

I dont know if I am meant for you
I am meant for you at this time

Our souls were meant to cross and grow

But for the long haul, I dont know if it is to reconnect with mines

My soul recognizes the soul in you

I love you deeply at this time

But for my soul to bring out the best in you

We must both grow and heres why

I have to reject you after you have rejected me

So that in truth your soul will fill in and remove its dark parts

I have to remove myself for you- because staying will create a soul struggle
And the risk of my shadows becoming greater than before are too great a threat

So I offer you this reconciliation in time

As I walk away from you at this present stance

If your soul purges and reemerges at an opportune time

To meet mine

Later in time

Namaste to a love

A love that transcended time

Photo: Art on the Edge14
Photographers: Zdravo abd Shalili
Model: Crystal Okorie

Healing hidden wounds

There are many ways we deal with the loss of something.

But just like the stages of dying.

We grapple with

and Acceptance.

Where are you? Why do we deny? Deny as if the reality is not based on factual information? We give a host of pre-emptive offers of what we can give to hold onto it instead. What is it about this thing that challenges our sense of happiness if we should come to lose it?

In life all things are temporary, and truthfully, we lived without it before.

Acceptance... Time heals all things.

Acceptance heals all things

How are you living?

I think anytime you seek to fully understand something, you allow yourself to define the pre-existing terms of that reality.

What exactly is a blog, and how do we define for ourselves what it is meant to be?

I could google the answer to that question, but afterwards, my hypothesis will dictate what I search to validate my stance and statement, presupposing I choose to impose a created viewpoint and theory.

That is the scientific method, taught and utilized to test and prove theories into conclusions.

In many ways that works for physical, chemical, and biological theories. The body of the universe has already been defined for us, we know it exists, and get much less say in whether or not gravity exists, but for sociological, mental, and personal theories; the solutions and answers become much more malleable.

Our personal motivations become that much more objective, rather than subjective.

Things like racism can be rationalized, justified, or outright condemned.

Its interesting because with the human element, what is right, and the defining ramifications of it can change dramatically, person to person, based on geographic, histrionically; albeit self made.

The only defining method for socio/psychological theories within the human context, is whether or not others agree.

So then comes a question for you, whose ideas and notions are you living in?

How and why did you choose to believe and act upon those things?

Is it peaceful, useful, does it serve you, others, anybody really?

I'm not going to superimpose my beliefs on you in this post, I only serve to make you reflect briefly on these things.

Or perhaps later; deeply on these things.

May it help you define and create something beautifully; and alert you in the inherent blindness in our lives we can occasionally live in.

Monday, June 20, 2016


I think I'm beginning to like you more and more
Or perhaps what I mean to say is less and less.
You know, I cant speak objectively about my feelings right not because I know they're likely to change the minute I think I've figured them out.

Was this supposed to be a poem?

I guess; Its becoming a freeing form of self expression.

Away from social media, and facebook, and the need to validate something that in feeling will bring me to my next growing point.

You know, I think I've grown the most from my unrequited loves
Oh they chased me first, will begin my chargin so I dont feel the sting of admitting that I could spend a year, no contact, in love
and still see a blessing in it.

Still see something wonderful in them,
Still see something about them that makes me decide to grow to be a better me.

Even though perhaps the obsessing caused me to lose sight of my own beauty.

Its funny, because the minute the feeling slowly fades away,
or some unexpected gentlemen; finally overloads my pinpointed radar on my love, unrequited and long gone

I always come to find that, the one I was chasing, was never as great as they seemed.

Somehow I was settling

And yet;;; I dont regret each day I pined wondering if they could ever see me as wonderfully
As I believed them to be

How can you love someone so deeply from a far?

Or maybe is it in the unrequited feeling that I finally felt safe.

Safe to love; and unable to see me.

Whats it supposed to look like again?
The media gives no real condolences

I can only trust the real thing to come by faith

Maybe the unrequited loves were teaching me to love unconditionally

How to love purely by faith.

I guess the answer will be known

When I finally have the real thing.

But I'm done with unrequited

And I'm ready to face me

My good, my bad, my flaws

and since I noticed the ones I chased, werent as wonderful as I made them to be

Maybe its to make me confident enough to say;

That in everyday life;

I dont see many men that match me, that are attractive to me the way they see me

Or maybe I've missed out by putting less energy on myself that some guy missed me from his perimeter because my mind and heart was away
But the ones that have approached;;

I always think;; no-no-no
There are many ways I see it

Some are too short

Some I determine ; dont stimulate my mind at all

or anything really

Some are friend centered
Some dont know themselves

They're friendly
But I can tell for sure ;; Im not their person

I dont have to waste our time trying to make something not meant to work work

And Look
I know I'm not perfect

But in the unrequited
I at least got a gray area to measure my weaknesses and my strengths

Gave myself something to grow from and to.

Yeah, if I'm honest;; loving a shadow led me to college
It gave me a business
They were nowhere in site
But the unrequited led me to me.

I just hope that when the real one comes we both recognize each other

And this time;; I can love him face-to-face

Until then,, I think I'll try loving myself only
So that in my heart there is space
But even better; I think I can finally do it without feeling guilty.

And one other thing. I think this time I can move purely on faith

Maybe I needed the unrequited loves to mature

Maybe I was lucky I loved them, even when they we gone

I lost nothing

It was better to feel love

To love is way better than to have lost.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

What Happened?

You know, I've been avoiding writing. Has it been a year?
I think it has.

I said I would tell you everything, but its a sensitive situation for everyone involved.

What happened after I graduated and went to NY?

Can we highlight the good parts first?

I started my Masters, I did continue with my modeling, I worked a variety of jobs in various industries, I owned my own apartment in Bedstuy, Brookyln, NY;; I met this crazy model who was kinda similar to me and then she wasnt; I briefly dated an investment banker, I made said banker a 5 part DVD as part of a challenge to call him out on his shit---it was so much fun; i found out i was strong enough to live in my car for 3 months!! I developed a closer relationship with God; I learned you have to own your experience to make a good resume.

Pretty Impressive Right? Good, its the silver lining of all the other things that life also had in store.

I told you something happened in NY; something that mentally I just couldn't comprehend and let go of that resulted in an infraction on my progress of my goals. Let there be no mistaking. I take responsibility for both the good and the bad. I also understand that certain things were environmental.

I moved to NY , 3 months after graduating from college. I had enrolled during the summer to begin my online Masters in Finance and Marketing in the winter. Enough time to pursue modeling and reshape my overall goals.

I moved in with my, now ex- who was from NY, and was currently in his last year at the same college I had previously went to.

He seemed nice- I had known him 2 years prior. We were living on campus- I was being harbored. I came up for fashion week and he said I could stay if I got a job.

We both went to the nearby mall to get jobs. He had been expecting an automatic transfer from his summer job to the nearby location, and for me the mall job was my guaranteed money for transportation into the city to model, since we were in upstate NY.

He didnt get the transfer, I got offered a management job. Tension quickly rose because he didnt get how a non-new yorker got such a good job- uuh my college degree and previous staffing experience- DUH.

Tension built over his jealousy and I found out he had been txting his ex girlfriend for nude pictures. I tried to leave- he promised it was a mistake- it would never happen again. It was a lie.

But living with a person I didnt trust, who claimed it was because of my job, led to this deep insecurity. I was miles away from family, not supposed to be on campus, he had lied and told me my 4,000 a month salary wouldnt get me a place in any of the other boroughs (when he moved he found a room for $500). I gave up the job; and I was still miserable. Everyday I'd go into work shaken, unsure; feeling like he was hiding something, finding out days later.

I got a new job, at way less than a position; way less salary too. By the time January came to start my masters, I wanted to go home. In fact one day I had actually packed up to go. He rushed home from work and told me, everything would work. Nevermind that for Thanksgiving I had stayed in NY to work black friday, and he left me on campus to go home, where he had invited his ex girlfriend, and didnt call me.

I was isolated; and I wanted to love him. I had settled for him, because I didnt get the boy I wanted in high school. Oh it was silly, but that was who I had wanted; that didnt work out and I wanted to just have kids on my own and just do my own thing.

I hated dating, didnt like many of the guys in the pool, and didnt have time for their games. I got hit on often, and the guys I didnt see a future with, I just made them my friends.

Im kinda straight forward about what I do and dont want.

My ex, we had been friends the two years prior, we had a psychology class together. After class, he'd just sit and listen to me talk about this relationship that didnt work out because of miscommunication. When he'd chase- I'd run; When I'd chase- he'd run.

Sure other guys would try to get my attention. And sometimes I would let them; but I would quickly realize; they didnt have what I liked or wanted; and I still wanted the one before. I chased last before he went off to college. Then I left off; and sometimes checked up on him.

Again, I had resigned myself that what was best for me was just go after my future and forget about boys. I had two men propose to me during that time, one was even a billionaires son- I had a restraining order put on him, when he kept showing up outside of my dorm.

Its crazy how many people will want you when your focused, achieving and celibate. I was celibate 5 years before my ex; after the high school boy.

Its crazy, because I acknowledge a lot of it had to do with an insecurity when it came to boys. My female friends, loved to date, and always had new boyfriends. They'd try to get me to see how doing it that way was more empowering, but I'd try it and quickly realize, even if I had options and could score it; I didnt want them.

I had wondered if maybe it was an addiction to have a males attention, but most of my friends were males, and I had offered myself 3 tests, of being intimate with these nice boys, months apart. I never even thought about them or called them back. So what was it??

I guess it doesnt matter. My ex was in the picture at the time, demanded I give him a title to give him a reason to prove he wasnt with his ex.

January came, I was doing my homework, and he got a call he kept putting on silent.

We fought, he promised. We fought; it got violent. The police were called and he was charged; and I was lucky I had called a friend during our fight, because my ex called and lied saying I had just shown up that night. The officers saw markings on my neck, and my ex's knuckles bloodied, as well as his knees skinned, proving he had been the primary aggressor. I had always been friendly when out, so campus security had always seen me and known me enough to vouch that they had seen me since September; so he they pointed out he was lying.

I had the shame of calling my sick mother in DC to tell her everything that happened, and how the small job I was working couldnt afford to keep me housed.

I should have came back then. But I felt like I had to accomplish something, and the loneliness led me back to him; and we never stopped fighting.

I couldnt afford clothes, shoes; just enough to survive for transportation, food, rent. I had asked him for money to buy new shoes, cheap converses, to replace my current shoes, he said no, so during the summer, I would walk and my feet would burn on the pavement, from the holes in the bottom. I eventually called for help; and had money sent up, he would immediately demand that the money go towards the rent and food; even though he was working and I wasnt, and after my money was gone would complain to his roommates that he was paying for everything and that he wanted me out because he felt I was using him. I literally had to curse them all out and tell them I was covering most of the rent and that I paid for the groceries, and was pissed off because he was purposefully making sure i didnt have money to put into my appearance; except for my gym membership; i always paid for that.

By September after he had thrown my belongings out of the car one late night, and him getting his friends to all say I just didnt have what it took to be in NY. I got a room blocks away with a rag tag set of roommates, who let me get a cat.

We'd break up and I'd do fine, then I'd get lonely, and the drama would cause things to unravel.

I mentioned a banker. I met him after I had gotten a job as a waitress. I had lost my financial aid to continue my masters, and now I just wanted to stabilize, do more modeling, and re raise the money to finish; but I did learn a lot the two semesters I was in college.

Education is a powerful thing.

Like how I should have reached out to a domestic violence hotline to understand how there were telltale signs he was going to become abusive and manipulative, and had a support group, so I wouldnt get lonely and go back.

Sure I met people in NY, but we diverged in vision. All we could ever talk about was my ex; be it a guy listening hoping to get close; and failing, or another female who also had man issues.

I shot myself in the foot, I went in debt, just trying to survive that first year when he was still on campus and dealing with two female managers who just didnt like me when I had started working as a personal trainer.

One never let me on the floor. She'd isolate me during on boarding when she was showing us how to build client spreadsheets, block modeling opportunities; even though the job came with a flexible schedule; you simply inform them that you would be out and you were free, if I informed her, she would say that day was mandatory; even when she allowed a male model off the same day for the same thing. I had one co-worker who was male that noticed who told me to take it to HR and I didnt. I didnt have the energy to fight at home and fight at work. I did call her out on it eventually; I was fired the next day; and three years later whenever I applied management would say I passed through the first two interviews but that woman, who at this point had moved to California within the company; would tell them not to hire me. I could sue for that.

But you need money for that, and support, and I needed a new job immediately; so I'd just move on.

Oh it was a foolish mistake. Those who knew me said I changed, I had become soft; I didnt fight back anymore. In all honesty- I was tired.

The story is too long; and I dont want to play the victim; there is another part of the story; where I freelanced as a marketing manager, developed plans for two startups, hell even carried a table across the Brooklyn Bridge to get to Manhattan to market a fundraiser to raise funds.

Do I regret anything?? I only wish, I had reached out for help instead of trying to do everything alone; isolating myself so that the only person who I could immediately call on was the abuser.

Maybe called the hotline to listen to older mature women, who had insight and proper counseling about women and domestic violence.

Maybe not felt shamed for being a victim because its not just women who are considered weak that it can happen to but strong women too.

I wish I knew I should have shown up in court so that my ex would have actually been punished for what he done, instead of getting off scott free and thinking he was better than me for it.

But other than that. No- I still managed to experience some good parts, own my own property, increase my work experience and skillset, have pets, meet interesting people, challenge my ideal for a man- the banker didnt work out but he was way hunkier and a better match than my 4 inch shorter ex; HAHAHA

And well- at least despite statistics I made it out alive, and hell I still managed to model out some awesome pictures when I felt like I was broken. To me it showed I had a strength that wasn't determined by winning all the time, but could still be strong and beautiful under pressure.

I didnt want to share this story because I was afraid of being perceived as weak. But I remembered even celebrities like Rihanna went through this, and Rihanna is WINNING!!! So, survival makes you stronger.

If you or someone you know is in a domestic situation. GET HELP. Your abuser wants your resources to be gone so they can control you, they want you to be isolated; even the strongest individual will buckle when broke and isolated. HR should protect females and ensure their economic well being and oversee management. I took organizational behavior they spoke about managers using positional power to bully workers they thought were threats, or were attractive. That manager who kept blocking me; I didnt give her a reason to dislike me; I did what I was supposed to; but it happens; sometimes people have personal reasons to dislike you; but her pettiness put me at the mercy of my abuser.

I dont feel sad. The future is so much brighter; I still have all of my abilities, skill sets, and my degree, I'm around family, I pray way more now, and well I found some hidden strength in me. Anything could have happened, some women end up in the arms of a worser abuser, selling themselves when the money was gone, suicide, alcoholism. I was fortunate, none of those things happened to me,it wasnt easy, it was an up hill battle; I just got a new job and tried to pick up where I left off; again-- everything didnt work out the way I wanted and I didnt get back up to where I had started- but thats why i'm telling you-- sometimes you need a mature counselor. I was surrounded by people my age; the advice could only ever scratch the surface of what I really needed. I appreciate it none the less. But if I can share my story to help someone. GET HELP and call the Hotline and make sure your abuser is prosecuted, because I realize the one thing that bothered me was feeling like justice hadn't been served.

I gotta pray on that one but. Ok- I shared it.

Heres an online resource for you about Domestic Violence