Saturday, June 18, 2016
You know, I've been avoiding writing. Has it been a year?
I think it has.
I said I would tell you everything, but its a sensitive situation for everyone involved.
What happened after I graduated and went to NY?
Can we highlight the good parts first?
I started my Masters, I did continue with my modeling, I worked a variety of jobs in various industries, I owned my own apartment in Bedstuy, Brookyln, NY;; I met this crazy model who was kinda similar to me and then she wasnt; I briefly dated an investment banker, I made said banker a 5 part DVD as part of a challenge to call him out on his shit---it was so much fun; i found out i was strong enough to live in my car for 3 months!! I developed a closer relationship with God; I learned you have to own your experience to make a good resume.
Pretty Impressive Right? Good, its the silver lining of all the other things that life also had in store.
I told you something happened in NY; something that mentally I just couldn't comprehend and let go of that resulted in an infraction on my progress of my goals. Let there be no mistaking. I take responsibility for both the good and the bad. I also understand that certain things were environmental.
I moved to NY , 3 months after graduating from college. I had enrolled during the summer to begin my online Masters in Finance and Marketing in the winter. Enough time to pursue modeling and reshape my overall goals.
I moved in with my, now ex- who was from NY, and was currently in his last year at the same college I had previously went to.
He seemed nice- I had known him 2 years prior. We were living on campus- I was being harbored. I came up for fashion week and he said I could stay if I got a job.
We both went to the nearby mall to get jobs. He had been expecting an automatic transfer from his summer job to the nearby location, and for me the mall job was my guaranteed money for transportation into the city to model, since we were in upstate NY.
He didnt get the transfer, I got offered a management job. Tension quickly rose because he didnt get how a non-new yorker got such a good job- uuh my college degree and previous staffing experience- DUH.
Tension built over his jealousy and I found out he had been txting his ex girlfriend for nude pictures. I tried to leave- he promised it was a mistake- it would never happen again. It was a lie.
But living with a person I didnt trust, who claimed it was because of my job, led to this deep insecurity. I was miles away from family, not supposed to be on campus, he had lied and told me my 4,000 a month salary wouldnt get me a place in any of the other boroughs (when he moved he found a room for $500). I gave up the job; and I was still miserable. Everyday I'd go into work shaken, unsure; feeling like he was hiding something, finding out days later.
I got a new job, at way less than a position; way less salary too. By the time January came to start my masters, I wanted to go home. In fact one day I had actually packed up to go. He rushed home from work and told me, everything would work. Nevermind that for Thanksgiving I had stayed in NY to work black friday, and he left me on campus to go home, where he had invited his ex girlfriend, and didnt call me.
I was isolated; and I wanted to love him. I had settled for him, because I didnt get the boy I wanted in high school. Oh it was silly, but that was who I had wanted; that didnt work out and I wanted to just have kids on my own and just do my own thing.
I hated dating, didnt like many of the guys in the pool, and didnt have time for their games. I got hit on often, and the guys I didnt see a future with, I just made them my friends.
Im kinda straight forward about what I do and dont want.
My ex, we had been friends the two years prior, we had a psychology class together. After class, he'd just sit and listen to me talk about this relationship that didnt work out because of miscommunication. When he'd chase- I'd run; When I'd chase- he'd run.
Sure other guys would try to get my attention. And sometimes I would let them; but I would quickly realize; they didnt have what I liked or wanted; and I still wanted the one before. I chased last before he went off to college. Then I left off; and sometimes checked up on him.
Again, I had resigned myself that what was best for me was just go after my future and forget about boys. I had two men propose to me during that time, one was even a billionaires son- I had a restraining order put on him, when he kept showing up outside of my dorm.
Its crazy how many people will want you when your focused, achieving and celibate. I was celibate 5 years before my ex; after the high school boy.
Its crazy, because I acknowledge a lot of it had to do with an insecurity when it came to boys. My female friends, loved to date, and always had new boyfriends. They'd try to get me to see how doing it that way was more empowering, but I'd try it and quickly realize, even if I had options and could score it; I didnt want them.
I had wondered if maybe it was an addiction to have a males attention, but most of my friends were males, and I had offered myself 3 tests, of being intimate with these nice boys, months apart. I never even thought about them or called them back. So what was it??
I guess it doesnt matter. My ex was in the picture at the time, demanded I give him a title to give him a reason to prove he wasnt with his ex.
January came, I was doing my homework, and he got a call he kept putting on silent.
We fought, he promised. We fought; it got violent. The police were called and he was charged; and I was lucky I had called a friend during our fight, because my ex called and lied saying I had just shown up that night. The officers saw markings on my neck, and my ex's knuckles bloodied, as well as his knees skinned, proving he had been the primary aggressor. I had always been friendly when out, so campus security had always seen me and known me enough to vouch that they had seen me since September; so he they pointed out he was lying.
I had the shame of calling my sick mother in DC to tell her everything that happened, and how the small job I was working couldnt afford to keep me housed.
I should have came back then. But I felt like I had to accomplish something, and the loneliness led me back to him; and we never stopped fighting.
I couldnt afford clothes, shoes; just enough to survive for transportation, food, rent. I had asked him for money to buy new shoes, cheap converses, to replace my current shoes, he said no, so during the summer, I would walk and my feet would burn on the pavement, from the holes in the bottom. I eventually called for help; and had money sent up, he would immediately demand that the money go towards the rent and food; even though he was working and I wasnt, and after my money was gone would complain to his roommates that he was paying for everything and that he wanted me out because he felt I was using him. I literally had to curse them all out and tell them I was covering most of the rent and that I paid for the groceries, and was pissed off because he was purposefully making sure i didnt have money to put into my appearance; except for my gym membership; i always paid for that.
By September after he had thrown my belongings out of the car one late night, and him getting his friends to all say I just didnt have what it took to be in NY. I got a room blocks away with a rag tag set of roommates, who let me get a cat.
We'd break up and I'd do fine, then I'd get lonely, and the drama would cause things to unravel.
I mentioned a banker. I met him after I had gotten a job as a waitress. I had lost my financial aid to continue my masters, and now I just wanted to stabilize, do more modeling, and re raise the money to finish; but I did learn a lot the two semesters I was in college.
Education is a powerful thing.
Like how I should have reached out to a domestic violence hotline to understand how there were telltale signs he was going to become abusive and manipulative, and had a support group, so I wouldnt get lonely and go back.
Sure I met people in NY, but we diverged in vision. All we could ever talk about was my ex; be it a guy listening hoping to get close; and failing, or another female who also had man issues.
I shot myself in the foot, I went in debt, just trying to survive that first year when he was still on campus and dealing with two female managers who just didnt like me when I had started working as a personal trainer.
One never let me on the floor. She'd isolate me during on boarding when she was showing us how to build client spreadsheets, block modeling opportunities; even though the job came with a flexible schedule; you simply inform them that you would be out and you were free, if I informed her, she would say that day was mandatory; even when she allowed a male model off the same day for the same thing. I had one co-worker who was male that noticed who told me to take it to HR and I didnt. I didnt have the energy to fight at home and fight at work. I did call her out on it eventually; I was fired the next day; and three years later whenever I applied management would say I passed through the first two interviews but that woman, who at this point had moved to California within the company; would tell them not to hire me. I could sue for that.
But you need money for that, and support, and I needed a new job immediately; so I'd just move on.
Oh it was a foolish mistake. Those who knew me said I changed, I had become soft; I didnt fight back anymore. In all honesty- I was tired.
The story is too long; and I dont want to play the victim; there is another part of the story; where I freelanced as a marketing manager, developed plans for two startups, hell even carried a table across the Brooklyn Bridge to get to Manhattan to market a fundraiser to raise funds.
Do I regret anything?? I only wish, I had reached out for help instead of trying to do everything alone; isolating myself so that the only person who I could immediately call on was the abuser.
Maybe called the hotline to listen to older mature women, who had insight and proper counseling about women and domestic violence.
Maybe not felt shamed for being a victim because its not just women who are considered weak that it can happen to but strong women too.
I wish I knew I should have shown up in court so that my ex would have actually been punished for what he done, instead of getting off scott free and thinking he was better than me for it.
But other than that. No- I still managed to experience some good parts, own my own property, increase my work experience and skillset, have pets, meet interesting people, challenge my ideal for a man- the banker didnt work out but he was way hunkier and a better match than my 4 inch shorter ex; HAHAHA
And well- at least despite statistics I made it out alive, and hell I still managed to model out some awesome pictures when I felt like I was broken. To me it showed I had a strength that wasn't determined by winning all the time, but could still be strong and beautiful under pressure.
I didnt want to share this story because I was afraid of being perceived as weak. But I remembered even celebrities like Rihanna went through this, and Rihanna is WINNING!!! So, survival makes you stronger.
If you or someone you know is in a domestic situation. GET HELP. Your abuser wants your resources to be gone so they can control you, they want you to be isolated; even the strongest individual will buckle when broke and isolated. HR should protect females and ensure their economic well being and oversee management. I took organizational behavior they spoke about managers using positional power to bully workers they thought were threats, or were attractive. That manager who kept blocking me; I didnt give her a reason to dislike me; I did what I was supposed to; but it happens; sometimes people have personal reasons to dislike you; but her pettiness put me at the mercy of my abuser.
I dont feel sad. The future is so much brighter; I still have all of my abilities, skill sets, and my degree, I'm around family, I pray way more now, and well I found some hidden strength in me. Anything could have happened, some women end up in the arms of a worser abuser, selling themselves when the money was gone, suicide, alcoholism. I was fortunate, none of those things happened to me,it wasnt easy, it was an up hill battle; I just got a new job and tried to pick up where I left off; again-- everything didnt work out the way I wanted and I didnt get back up to where I had started- but thats why i'm telling you-- sometimes you need a mature counselor. I was surrounded by people my age; the advice could only ever scratch the surface of what I really needed. I appreciate it none the less. But if I can share my story to help someone. GET HELP and call the Hotline and make sure your abuser is prosecuted, because I realize the one thing that bothered me was feeling like justice hadn't been served.
I gotta pray on that one but. Ok- I shared it.
Heres an online resource for you about Domestic Violence