Tuesday, February 24, 2015
We all have a tendency to criticize ourselves and others. It's just one of the ways we have learned to mentally process things that we will do and things that we won't. Think about it, for every action there is an opposite and you don't get anywhere by sitting on the fence. As such we have rationalized picking what we consider ideal and what we consider unworthy . Remember however my writers voice the next time you catch yourself in the act, that just because you deem something worthy or unworthy doesn't make it the truth- it makes it a choice. We all have choices,it's something we may often forget when we try to live to the standards of others rather than the standards we place for ourselves. I found myself irretrievably stuck until I read some positive inspirational words from another woman. As I was reading them, I thought to myself 'this is exactly how I speak to people when they face a setback'. So immediately my question to myself was, why wasn't I as positive and motivational when it came to myself?? A truth struck me like lightining. At some point I began to care about what others deemed right and worthy for me than what I did. In fact it had become so bad that it felt like I had let an entire counsel of people / not me / reside in my head and criticize what it was I was to do with my life. Never mind my desire for self betterment, love, and generosity- how did they figure my success. I found myself once again glued to the bed. Was this essentially the same as being possessed by demons? Idk, but it felt like it because all of my qualities and strengths no longer seemed like factors because in my head the trend of the people valued something else. And them I really thought hard. This woman speaking said she went through the same thing, that her entire life up to her mid twenties involved the care of the opinions of others and how it had made her negative and fearful. Negative and fearful/ that's exactly how I've been feeling since my arrival to NY. Often times when I'd travel back to DC, I'd feel like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then I realized, it wasn't NY, but my thought process as a result. Who did I have to please? How did I need to behave? It was only when I wasn't in work mode I'd get a clear idea and feedback on who I was. Confident, charismatic, kind, intelligent and beautiful. What was the difference? One minute I'd be thinking my life was on the line- the next this is a weekend and none of these people are going to make it for me. Fear- fear was the culprit. Which is right and which is wrong? How about the one that inspires joy, the one that pushes you to grow, the one where you can track your progress, the choice where you were connected to something higher than the group mentality Perhaps that's the key to breaking out of fear and living your life
Monday, February 23, 2015
This morning, was unlike any other. Or perhaps it was but I felt it most intensely because I longed for a resolution at it's very inception. I've been keeping to myself for the most part. A bit to much of the heavy side of life- but believe me I've given 110 to being cheerful. Which is why today was unlike the other days, but not quite. I had taken it upon myself to wake early to meet with an attorney and upon second thoughts determined any day but Monday for such matters. Again feeling the heavy side of life- I went for cheese. Question? As you read this- do you hear a British accent?? Cool- I figure it lightens the heavy . Hahahahaha I've been doing this thing where you define your projected outcomes. I wish I'd done it sooner or else I wouldn't need an attorney. And a large sum of money- please tell me that in this life I can rely on the goodness and godliness in people's hearts to lean towards charity just this once to save me. Seriously, I don't know how I got here- no worries - in such cases I highly recommend backtracking and a dictionary . Seriously So I will be doing a lot of that from preventing such a matter from happening again and kindly and formally informing friends and family that I need assistance in getting $10,000 in my gofund me by Saturday before a case on Monday or... I'm in trouble Look- I guarantee you- should I make it- you're going to really love me To us all that make mistakes - backtracking- humbling begging- and a dictionary
Its Monday evening and after a day of wrapping my head around my weeks responsibilities and one friend inviting themselves over and then not showing up all I can think is, LOVE HARD. Love hard because you never know who might need a little extra. Love hard because loving hard and giving your all - truly, selflessly, without expectations on the person you are loving has some transformational affects on you. Love hard because you never know if the moment you have with a person is your last. Believe me, there is one case, where I realized those words could never be more true. Let's keep this one short
Surging and pummeling Threatening to knock me of edge Breathing like fire, my skull splits Within it all the things imaginable Tangible gone A history of Eygpt, a past in Rome Euclides could not have pondered a more measurable journey Drawn out and sweet, and yet intrinsically short A sea born goddess like Aphrodite To love and loss , my Adonis please speak Embrace me with your mind Enrapture me with your soul Remind me of your beauty These lips enthralled Heaving in ecstasy Dripping in song Or perhaps a parable One does not know My ode to you is all that can chance A spirited wish a resolution to the past.
Of the greatest things in life, I owe my mother. She may make me mad and annoy the hell out of me, but at some point I have to be grateful. I think it's easy to take for granted your parents, they are by far the most self sacrificing people you will encounter. Sometimes to a fault I may add. It doesn't matter what trouble you are going through. You will inevitably find, your pain is your parents pain. Sometimes I feel bad about that fact, most of my troubles are self made, and it seems almost unfair that someone else feels the need to shoulder the emotional baggage. Emotional baggage isn't fun for anybody btw.