Thursday, January 9, 2014

I Hate To Say It, but Honey You're In a TOXIC Relationship

At some point or the other you find yourself here; feeling trapped, tired, and needing a friend to coach you off your pity ledge. Honey, looks like to me you are suffering from a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships take many shapes and forms, and not all of them are people dependent.

I know many of you are scratching your heads on this one, how can you be in a toxic relationship without another person? Easy, it's called : TOXIC HABITS. Now I'm going to start with toxic habits because its an uncommon term used to describe a common phenomenon, feeling terrible after doing something. It can be anything, procrastinating, breaking your diet, saying yes, when you really meant no. The list goes on but the results are the same, you feel terrible afterwards, vent and make excuses for them, and then repeat the cycle, feeling frustrated and hopeless. I know, we've all been there.

Toxic habits stem from the same reasons we find ourselves in toxic relationships, for the most part 1) fear 2) there is some perk you get from engaging in it 3)comfort.

Not only do toxic habits and relationships cripple you from living a life you deserve to live, a more sinister repercussion than having a boo-hop story to tell people about why you are not living the life you want to live. I bet some of you smiled for that one- and that's another thing to consider,

Do you engage in this toxic behavior because it is easier for you to speak about when things are going bad for you in comparison to when things are going good?

Does the relationship or habit make you feel like you've accomplished something similar to one if your bigger goals? IE are you sidestepping maximizing your fullest potential because this relationship/habit is kinda like what you really want?

Regardless of the reason, you are selling yourself short, and making yourself miserable!

Yes, you are causing your own pain, and today you need to make a choice whether you want to sit in pain or live in joy.

The choice is yours.

I found myself writing this article because yesterday I wrote about New Years Resolutions and one of my questions what are your obstacles to accomplishing this goal and being honest with myself pointed out two glaring facts, that I tolerate a toxic relationship that I don't need nor like and that I've developed some toxic habits.

Trump it up to the cost of living, but staying in toxic circumstances can and are dangerous!!

The longer you endure a toxic circumstance the more you depreciate. That means your self-esteem, confidence, respect among peers, self - respect (self-esteem), and rational decision making process just hits the fan.

You can't do something that's bad for you without it doing bad to you.

I woke up this morning with stress knots, dealing with a person or a circumstance that if there was no previous investment, No I would not engage with this person or these habits.

Toxic habits and toxic relationships require two important things

1) saying NO - try it you might like it, actually, you might love it
Don't engage, if the person or situation hasn't changed with you saying yes and compromising - it's not going to change unless you keep saying NO.

And in my honest opinion, even if change happens, you should keep saying no. You don't need things in your life that you have to say no to often in order to be whole.

I'm pretty sure, you, like me, love to say YES.

So if this circumstance can only be resolved by saying no. Keep it at NO.

(Of course every situation is different so depending on your evaluation the answer can be SOMETIMES NO. For instance can I eat this pizza? Sure, sometimes, but the answer is usually NO.

2) Replace it- stretch your comfort zone, leave the pack, and your normal routine and find what feels good. And if you have a group of friends you usually share your toxic run downs with , don't include them in this activity.

This is about you and growth, not toxic enabling.

I guarantee your happiness will be short lived if you keep tying your feel good experiences to well meaning (I guess) people who continue to listen to your sap stories.

Think of it like this, mentally, you've assigned them to comfort/crying blanket.

Right now we are talking about growth and re-establishing personal accountability and strength.

They aren't bad per see, but you are leaning too much on them. So in this situation find new friends that you can share this experience with (you are not replacing your old ones). You are bringing in people who get to see the new you - without  this circumstance or person.

Here's why it works. Do you remember the summer break before school starts? That fresh feeling of I can become someone new, completely different than the year before?

Why do you think that happens? Could it be that you've given yourself permission to change because you aren't surrounded by people who expect you to stay the same?

GASP!!!

We have work to do

Signed,

Crystal O. ~ your model love