Saturday, January 20, 2018

Him

I didnt like the negative reaction I felt in needing to address a previous circumstance.

Realistically, denying that it presents itself in me from time to time; I understand that to lessen its affect; to nullify what I no longer wish to exist in mean, means that I must confront it.

Anger, malice, disappointment, disdain, disgust;; they aren't large and all consuming natures that exist in me;

but they exist;

I'm sorry; I make no apologies as a means to smooth over your anger and disappointment0 I simply acknowledge that these feelings, this outburst may have had an affect on you. I'm more sorry to myslf, for letting it get the best of me; yet at this moment in reflection, I have see no scenario better suited than the way I handled it; I know there is a way; but;; I'm only human; I haven't yet learned ever positive metaphysical reaction to turn negative;; highlighted circumstances;; into addressed transformational situations where both benefit.

I just want to have fun, and I do; but discipline and life have taught me; that not all things that look fun are good;;

So I want to learn how to have that kind of fun;

I want to have a transformational affect when I walk into the room, not only on myself, but for others; for him; for you.

I prayed this morning;; I woke up frustrated; trying to move on; not knowing what or how to.

I have this history and yet nothing;
I know some things about about you and we share, what we shared; but I know I didnt scratch deeper than a few surfaces;

I like to think our connection was different; but doing so keeps me locked into the past;

I dont need anyone studying me; trying to figure out the paces of my heart; they are deeper and more guarded the more valuable the road that leads to my soul;

I like to think that I opened that road in trying to find a love and relationship with;; with;; the one whose inner nature spoke more volumes to me;

People said a lot of things about him to me; as Im sure they probably said a lot about me;
Most in part I think stemmed from jealousy because well if you are talking about me;; im 98.9% the one who is talking doesn't know me;; or even seat in the seat of any of my preferred audiences;

What did they tell me about him? They mocked him; they called him a loser, mentioned how people exploited his resources as he tried to gain approval, told me about the times he was beat up- the many times.

I'll admit- at first I was completely turned off- I thought; what type of affect will romantically associating myself with someone who people take advantage of as such have on me; I understood that being female;; I followed his lead; and being victimized was not part of my desired plot.

But God touched me one day;;;;;; He really did; and I dont need anyone to believe me to know when and how God has reached me because it was because of this boy the awareness of God even started;; and the boy wasn't even in the room with me that day;; and i never told him what happened until years later;; all he knows is that I pursued him as best I could without losing all of my self respect before leaving off to college.



First that day;;
God wanted me to remember how we met; through his friends that I had just begun hanging out with; the day we met;; it was weird; we just agreed we'd be together; granted we were young and under the influence;; but that night we told each other secrets about our past, birth, and upbringing;; and we shared one thing; being raised by parents who chose us.

I felt for him because our hows were different but I understood;; I always reflect how he kissed me against that tree; lol;; but i also reflect that after everything he probably doesn't remember or even care about such things;

Maybe because that night after we met I got cold feet; I didnt know him; I just commited myself; didnt I have a crush ?? Why did I agree to date someone I have no idea how we are going to merge??

so i avoided him for four months before giving some lame excuse to get out;;


God didnt even get me to think about this boy until something happened to me;;;

and in this weird place of unconsciousness; i guess like angels they reminded me of this time he accepted me and cared for me;; and how I did hurt him; so make it up?

Well we didnt even go to the same school; live in the same neighborhood;; and my circumstances have an element of instability that I wear well;;

So I started gathering information about him ;

the more I tried to understand his relationships with the people he called his associates;; the more I saw bits of his personality;

Granted; I thought he was pretty bright; open; I felt like he bounced back from negative circumstances; I knew it had to be piling up in his psyche but;;;; whenever I did see him in a group setting;; he had this cheery outlook;; and he was still open with his resources to people I considered backstabbers;;

I didnt want to be around him with them;; I knew what they said; but;; I appreciated that he could be so gracious with people who Im sure even he knew did him wrong;; I mean I heard stories of people robbing him.

So I forgot how I got his number back then;; but when I got it; I reached out to him;;I just felt prompted by something deep within me to connect with this boy and somehow even in the crazy circumstances i went through myself;;
neutralize the bad and share something with him;; granted;; we mainly shared sex;; anxd would do intervals without seing each other;

I reflect back that my long txt messages probably turned him off; me trying to explain emotions that i couldn't explain; after pretty much rejecting him previously;

I took it in my mind that he was probably using some manipulation tactic to hide his feelings or;; maybe he really didnt care and really liked that I was being; easy??

It was the second thought that made me harden my affection towards him; I'd think if he doesn't want to talk to me or be with me;; good for him;; i wont bother him;;


and id wait; and id think about him everyday; like a mild obsession because i still lived and went on adventures just like he did;; and i knew our friends were feeding us stories about each other;; although i found the stories about me were being told in an unbecoming fashion by; who knows; but I beat up one of the kids spreading rumors about me;





wer parted when he went to college; and I considered following him to a college in a town half an hour over from him; was even going to take my sister;

but I realized that wouldn't be wise;; so I prayed;; you know while chasing him before these weird scenarios happened;

and I had unofficially turned catholic;; I mean ; something happened;

when I went to college I had three options; I prayed on all of them; one school didnt even get back to me;; that was St Johns;

and I ended up in Upstate NY;
Still thinking about him; wondering if God would put us together after college;

I reached out to him freshman year; even reached out that summer when i went out California.

To me I was waiting; he told me he had a Brazilian girlfriend and that he had broken his jaw; I heard he use to talk trash about me; so i figured the jaw was karma.




when i graduated that was when i thought of him again. I had met a guy that, in many ways I was settling for because I had finally admitted my hope or obsession for this boy who never looked back for me was crippling;; but when it came time to move with him; I had to reach back out;

and its funny because; those phone calls were the first where I felt connected;; actually there was this one time he called me in my group home; that made me feel like I wasn't alone.

He told me a dream he had; told me how the Brazilian kissed some guy at a bar;;

I listened; confused: i had hoped that he would have gotten the relationship with a strong foundation that he wanted;; and then I felt guilty. Im sitting here on the phone with this guy that;; i guess without much; I love and feel guilty for because to my knowledge its not mutual and;; well there never was a courting/ dating phase; just sex with these feelings that grew everythime because I thought perhaps foolishly that God was making away for something.


I told him that i had someone and he got so mad; I didnt expect him to; when i reached out I really wanted to get to know him; I had hoped that being more mature we'd; idk; make good friends;; in many ways;; i think the acta of trying to love him made me a better person;

I learned to lean on others because they were the ones i could actually try to explain these feelings and the phenomenon to ; i mean they didnt care;; but;; it softened me;; I looked after people differently after hearing how people had done him;; and even though he seemed ok; i refused to witness these false friendship exploit; and people liked me for that, and I guess I liked myself more for that.



I dont know if the rumor that he was bipolar was true but; when i was a psych major at AU and they mentioned the disorder; i left that major because; I didnt want to believe he was confined; not only that but; he never told me;; which means he really didnt trust me;



Years passed and i struggled not even a week after hanging up on the phone with him with the boyfriend i had met in college; I wondered briefly if i should just leave NY now and go back to DC and find him; but I figured; nothing would change from before;; and i would just chase someone; and offer myself sexually hoping stupidly maybe;; that it would bypass the distrust and open up a dialogue; a relationship.

I dont regret it; I dont even regret that 5 years after being with the guy in NY i moved to a new neighborhood in Brooklyn and saw this peach motel that I had seen in a vision 9 years prior as a teen with me and him in the back loading up a car.

I had a lot of visions as a teen; i saw kids; i saw a future;; i saw this one dark period where I was afraid because something was happeneing with him mentally and i was just in the bathroom woth him wondering if it was my fault;;





the bricks were too similar to the vision so i looked him up online;; and slowly my desire to be in NY faded; I wanted to be with my family; and I wanted to be with him.

I have to monkey valentines gift that i forgot to give him; i thought we were growing, till his friend died before valentines day. he got cold and i figured it was because i was visiting DC just once a week from NY.

I didnt want to lose him;; although being back; I dont think i ever had him;;

just a few coincidences; i mean we see each other;;



but it didnt grow into the relationship or healthy marriage i hoped for.

i wonder if it could;; id withhold wondering if pouring out my feelings made him feel guilty;; first of all i dont want anyone with me out of guilt or settling;; and i didnt want anything built off of disrespect where he took me for granted and had affairs with other women because he felt they were more exciting or worth more;; cause i had those warning visions too;




I guess thats just the way it is. But i wanted to get this out of my head.

I wanted to say that I hoped for more and that some how I'll move on properly because i realize that i never really did; my ex literally listened for two years about how I was waiting for this guy still and how i felt like i was to blame for the rift and/// i chose him because i gave up; my brother died and this guy never looked back for me;; I was always instigating contact;




But;; if just having this weird sexual relationship spurned by some weird revelation and some underlying hope that deep down it meant more to him too but he refused to show it.. I do appreciate;


I'm going to miss him again;; and I hope-- because i know what killed his friend;; i hope he will be well and not fall either;

I want him to have a real relationship with someone remarkable that he just grows into the best version of hiself with;

and I- I want the same thing for myself;

I dont know how those relationshios start and progress;; but I hope we both figure it out.

and I relay do love him even though this didnt work.

Its weird because i felt like i had a friend; or at least someone who held a spot for me; I know nothing remotely suggests this;;but;; i went through a lot;; and it was him id meet up with first; and while i never told him everything;; i was always happy that i could come back to him;; and that i was alive and could share that i was alive with him;; even if i was the only one who knew i felt that way;; and probably the only one that felt that way.



I feel bad because sometimes in trying to break the wall between us and him actively pushing me away; I'd get mad; id accuse him of being a user, or just throw it in his face;;

but;; thats not fair;; i should have let him go if i felt that baggage;

its ok;; its just a reflection.

he doesn't need to understand. my feelings are my responsibility.

I know that.

No comments:

Post a Comment